Good Bye August, Good Bye Year...

Today is the last day of August & my personal year.  Tomorrow will be September & I'll be another year older.  I'm not excited about either.   I'm glad August is leaving, it's been stressful.  But, the fact it's leaving & I still have no answers from my specialist makes this frustrating.

I really don't care about the age thing.  It's just a number, other than the fact it increases my chances for bad things to happen.   I can't say this has been a bad year.  But, it's been a stressful time.  

I got a letter from my dentist office today.  They're merging with another company.  I have to admit, this makes me nervous.  I called & they said it shouldn't impact me in any way.  We'll see about that.  

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow,   What a way to start the new year.  It's just a standard visit, so nothing to worry about. 

I'm ending this month seriously pissed at my specialist.   This isn't a good time of year for me.  I always get stressed & nervous.  I hope this isn't an indication of how things will go this time around. 

Good bye August...

Cya...

Unpleasantness...

I woke up yesterday fairly nauseous & worried I might've caught the stomach virus going around.    Later, my roomie started feeling squeamish as well.  We'd been to KFC the day before & I saw someone who looked ill.   As the day passed, we started to feel better, but not great.

I think it's the shift back to higher temps & humidity.  The pollen levels are topping the charts.  Mostly, it's ragweed killing me.  I think sinus issues are what's killing our stomachs.  The weather isn't helping our sleep any.

We're on the downhill run for Summer.  Soon, we'll be griping about the cold.    I hope we have a long Fall this year.  None this hello-goodbye stuff, like the last few years. We're almost out of August.   Birthday's & holidays are on the way, Yippie!

Cya...

Weekly...

According to this article, the pharmaceutical company Cytoden is working on an injection of PRO 140.  This is an antibody that can inhibit the virus.   If this research pans out, it could mean people moving from massive numbers of daily pills to weekly injections.  It's  possible later generations of the approach might yield fewer injection intervals.

This would be great & I hate shots.  It could mean far less pill popping.   Having to remember a weekly shot & not numerous pills every so many hours.  This could aid in regimen retention & getting medications to people in the 1st place.

I really hope this works out.

Cya...

Not A Happy Camper...

OK, I'm having a bit of a foul day.  My specialist office still hasn't called me back & every little thing that could annoy the piss out of me this morning, has decided to do so in unison.  I really don't want another rant, so I'll just post tomorrow.  I really hope your day is going better than mine.

Cya...

Ridiculous Article...

This "article" & I use that term very lightly, poses the question what does post-HIV, gay culture look like.   I read it because it could've been an excellent topic & conversation starter.  It wasn't.

Mr. Aviance, the author, normally writes on music.  OK, he's still entitled to his 2¢ on the matter.  I thought maybe he might have an unique perspective. I was wrong.

This is entire article is about his fear.  He's  anti-Truvada.  I get that, so am I.  But his opposition, is to the idea that people who want to use PrEP don't want to use condoms.  They want to "bareback."  Well, Duh!

To him, this is not only a dangerous thing to engage in sexually,  It's also a way means by which he distinguishes sluts & stupid people.  He's a prude.

This bigot is worried in a world without HIV or very little risk of the illness, gay men will stop using condoms.  This behavior will be seen as perfectly acceptable, like it was before HIV.  How ever will he judge people?

I oppose Truvada over concerns about the potential harm it may cause, that many won't use it properly & the fact it's just a giant kick in revenue for Gilead.  I think there's more concern for profits than health.  This man is worried about whose intelligence he can question & who he can slut-shame. 

Mr. J. Nelson Aviance; writer, opera singer & musiciologist, if this is really your opinion, then you're an absolute ass.  If your concern is over which people you may no longer be able to judge, then to hell with you.  I find your article disgusting.

I hope there is a day people can stop using condoms out of fear of transmitting illnesses.  I hope this because it might save lives.  I hope this because all the disapproving dolts' heads will explode in horror.  I hope this so people will have 1 less thing to use  in judgement of others.

I realize, I was judgy in this post.  That's my issue to deal with. I posted this at a single individual.  The author of that article is worried about how to judge the gay community.  I still have my issues with Truvada, but they were never about people being Truvada-whores.

Way to go Mr. Aviance, push to hold on to something just to divide our community.  What a jerk.

Cya...

Blurry Eyes...

I'm really blurry-eyed today.  The lawn guy mowed late last night & then we got a lot of dew.  The place smells like soggy, cut grass with some rather unpleasant herbal notes in there for extra pungence.  My eyes & throat have been itchy all day.  I'm having some serious leaky eyes & drainage in my throat.  Even this close, the computer screen is fuzzy.  I hate grass.  I'll post more tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be able to see better then.

Cya...

Useless Things...

I'm in  a bit of  a mood today.  I'm fed up with useless things in my life.  That may soon be my specialist's office if they don't get me an acceptable answer soon.  Useless things only bring you aggravation & they need to go as soon as possible.  At best they're distractions.

Recently, I came across this, a strider bike.   It's a small, beginning bicycle with no pedals.  What's the point?

This is based off an old design, before they used pedals & chains.  This is nothing but a scooter with a seat.  Ridiculous.

Why not just use training wheels?  You can buy a bike with them or just buy them & put them any standard bike.  The point of training wheels is to let the child learn to ride an actual bicycle, not some glorified stick pony. 

We keep accepting more & more useless things in our lives.  They do nothing but eat our time & attention.   I'm pretty irritated that's how I'm starting to feel about my HIV specialist.  I have a feeling I won't have any choice but to find a doctor. I hate that & I'm disgusted with them for becoming useless.

Cya...

Off Morning...

There was heavy cloud cover & rain last night.  It made the morning dreary.  I don't do well on these mornings.   Its difficult for me to wake up with so little light.  Its also the time I'm most apt to have stress dreams.

These dreams aren't nightmares,  They may have some horrific elements, but they aren't scary.  They're sometimes repulsive & disheartening, but they're always stressful & tiring.   They can be about anything or nothing really at all, other than a sense of stress.  I hate them

I woke up a little before 6 this morning & had to go to the bathroom.  I laid back down & the stress dream set in.  I woke a little over an hour later, but I felt like I hadn't slept all night.  I was & still am tired from this damn dream.  These things sap your energy.

Half the time, I can't even remember what they were about.  Still, I'm left exhausted & borderline panicky.  It generally takes all day to get passed them.  I hate these things.  I wish I could tell  you how to handle them, but I don't have a clue.  If I figure out, I'll post about it.

Cya...

Rainy Morning...

I had a hard time waking up this morning.  It was dark & raining.  It'd been raining lightly for some time.  We've easily passed our August average for rain.    This weather is letting me sleep deeper than I'm used to.   I usually only sleep like this when its cooler.  Now, I'm sleeping like I do in Summer & that combination is leaving me stiff in the morning.

I was reading articles & I came across the idea again that 2015 is the year there will more people living with HIV over 50, than under.  I'm not sure if the assumption has held out, but if it has, that's really huge.  Some of those people have been living with this virus for over 30 years.  

This is really changing the game in dealing with HIV.   These people will be combining their HIV with aging related issues.  That's bound to get tricky & probably difficult to handle.  Comorbidity is common for those enduring chronic illnesses.  But, combining a chronic illness with a natural process, such as aging, is sure to be irksome.

I guess that's what we get for getting old.

Cya...

Insincerity...

There's been a massive jump in the number of HIV cases found in central Florida.   Some estimate over 20%.  So, what does the government do about it?

Mostly, nothing,  According to this article, the CDC significantly cut funding for testing, counseling & education in this area.  This isn't just testing for HIV either, it also covers hepatitis. 

Yes, they're so worried about fighting HIV, they cut funding to the most important parts of the process.  I guess they want everyone to take Truvada.  Somebody's probably getting a huge kick-back off that deal.  

Again, the government has said 1 thing, only to have their actions show their real intent & motivation.  Way to go USA in the fight against HIV.  At this rate, it'll look like the 1980's all over again.

Cya...

Sniffles & Yawns...

This weather shifting is having an impact on me. I'm really liking the cooler weather & rain, but so are the allergens like ragweed.  I've been sneezing & having to use allergy eye-drops for the last few days.   The changes in how I'm sleeping have left me feeling more aware of how little deep sleep I actually got while it was warmer.  I've been a yawn machine.  

I still haven't heard back from my specialist in Tulsa.  I'll try calling them again.  I don't want to be a pest, but I don't want to blown off either.

Not much going on, so that's all for today.

Cya...

Cool Down...

After yesterday's rains, the temps dropped into the 50's F overnight.  It seriously chilled things.  We're not done with the Summer temps just yet, but its looking unlikely we'll see another 100+ day this season. 

I'm on a count down again.  I only have 12 days left in this year of my life,  My birthday is the beginning September.   I'm not sure what we'll do for it.  That depends on what all's going on at the time.  Sometimes we have to wait a bit until something decent comes along to do.  I'm OK with that,  I'd rather wait for something fun, then do something not fun on my actual birthday.

The cool weather has put the cats into a deep sleep.  Even deeper than normal.  They've been sluggish from the Summer heat.   Time for them to catch up on their cat naps.

For now, I'm just going to enjoy the weather.

Cya...

Quick Jot...

I'm just getting something down this morning.  We're having storms & the net may die at any moment,   Such is life in rural Oklahoma.  If I'm lucky, it won't take the power as well.  That 'll leave the place dark.   I'll post more tomorrow.

Cya...

Small Wonders...

I haven't been in the best of places lately.  So, I'm going to do what I can to recognize the good things that do manage to come my way.  Even the 1's that should just be a given.  

Yesterday, my meds delivery arrived & miracle or miracles, somehow the order was correct & complete.  I know it's a little thing, but my order hasn't been complete in months.  This is the 1st time in half a year that didn't require me making multiple calls to my pharmacy & my doctor's office only to still have the order botched.  It happens so often the UPS driver laughs about it & can generally guess if my package is too light to be the full order.

I know it's a small thing, but its what I have.  I'm very happy, I didn't have to fight over this 1 particular pharmacy refill,  Yeah me!

Cya..

Another Day In August...

There's not much going on for me today.  I'm doing some household stuff & waiting for a call.  I got voicemail when I called my specialist's office in Tulsa.  Hopefully, they'll call soon.  It'd be nice if they have good news.  I really don't want to have to change doctors.  But, the drives to Tulsa are expensive & exhausting. 

I really don't have anything to add to what I blogged about yesterday.  At least, not yet.  Reality is pretty sucky when you don't have any fantasies or goals left. 

I made myself stop wearing a watch in the 90's.  I'd count the seconds until something was over.  That's how I got through life.  In college, if I hated a teacher or a class, I'd tell myself there are only so many weeks or class meetings left & then it will be over with.  I can get through things when I know there's an ending.  The only ending I'm seeing for this situation is fairly final.  

Enough of that for now.

Cya...

Misfit Stress...

We went shopping this morning due to scheduling issues.  I can get easily annoyed at Walmart, but that wasn't the case today.  I was nervous the entire time.  It wasn't because of the shopping.

Yesterday was stressful.  An idea was recently introduced concerning our household.  I'd expected to have a bit to get used it, but instead it started taking off almost immediately.   It is/was a sound idea.  It would have some serious benefits & some drawbacks.  All plans do.  

But this plan was making me face the idea of being in this area for the rest of my life.  That's probably been the case ever since I was diagnosed with HIV, but I still held on to the thought I'd move out of here some day.  It'd be to a better place & a move I wanted.

This plan meant accepting I'd probably never be anywhere else.  I'd probably not meet a lot of other people.  This whole thing meant me giving up on my last dream to be somewhere better.  I didn't have a good day,  

I've always wanted a place that felt like home;  safe, secure & reasonably happy.  I'm not going to get that.  I still know the idea was good, it just means saying good bye to another part of me.  There isn't much left.

There's no good way to say this, but I was an unwanted child.  My parents had me because they felt like they were supposed to, a lack of good contraception & my mother's liking to be pregnant. She liked the process, just not the product.

There's little worse to be in this world than an unwanted child.  No one, especially yourself, ever lets you forget it or really move past it.  How can you?  You're just a source displeasure to some & a target to most everyone else.  An object for them to pity, hate, blame, attack, abuse, ignore... A stray that lingered too long on the porch.

I will always be pro-choice. It'd been better to not have been born, than to live as a child that was never wanted.   It'd be more humane to just shoot those children, than make them endure what life & people are going to put them through over & over again.  When their only crime was being unwanted.

Many of us, make up dreams in our head to survive.  It's really bad coping skill.  We don't usually have the skills or means to make these dreams come true.  And each time a dream fails or we have to let go of 1, we lose a little bit of us.

I feel like the doll on the Isle of Misfit Toys.  I'm out of dreams to dream.  I used to have so many, now I can't even hold on to 1.  This sucks.  

Now, all I've done is upset myself & my roomie.  The idea was sound.  I wasn't.

Cya...

Another Saturday...

Its been a nice last couple of days.  Its gotten hot, but not unbearable.  Its been pretty nice at night.   I hope this is the trend for the rest of the Summer.  

Nothing much is going on here & I'm good with that.  It'll be Fall soon & we'll have yard clearing to do.   Not near as much as it has been in the past.  We've knocked most of the bushes back to a reasonable size.  

I need to get a hold of my specialist in Tulsa & see what's the final fate of telemedicine.  I may have to finally change doctors.  I hope not. 

That's about all I'm dealing with at the moment,

Cya...

Devil Weed Is Back...

My eyes are shot today.  Ragweed is back in season & its getting to me. It makes reading anything on the screen hard. Every letter blurs into the next as my eyes water.  

I know this isn't as bad as its going to get.  It just showed up & it'll be staying for a while.  Maybe we'll get some rain soon & it'll wash away some of the ragweed.

Other allergens annoy me, but ragweed kills my eyes.  I hope it's a short season this year.  I can barely read what I'm typing.

Cya..

Come January...

Come this January 3rd, I will have been diagnosed with HIV for 16 years.  I'd probably been living with it for at least a couple of years before that.   I was summarily informed that my life expectancy would be no more than 5 years.  For at least the 1st year or more of those 5, I was just struggling to get on disability, get meds, get a doctor who'd actually treat me & mainly just to eat & walk.    I wasn't making any long range plans.  I thought I'd be dead.

I lost contact with a lot of people I used to know.  I've since found out that a lot of them have died from various causes.  I find that really ironic.  I was the person with the death sentence & they were the people dying.   Besides my roomie, I'm solo now. Its not what I wanted, but its what is.  I'm not even sure how to fix it.

There's talk about SSI disability going broke next year.  If it does, I won't have anything.  Its not like I can get a job.  Even if I was healthy enough, when people found out I was +, they'd refuse to hire me or fire me as quick as they could.

So, where will I be in 10 years?  I have no idea.  What will I be doing?  I don't know.  This was never the life I wanted, but its what I have.  I'm just not sure what to do with it anymore.  Blogging used to help more. It hasn't been as therapeutic lately as it used to be.  Now, I'm heading into my my downtime of the year, Fall.  Oh joy.  

I know this is depressing, but its my life with HIV & that's all I promised to write about.  I've accomplished very little since 2000.  I may have helped a few people & animals here or there, but I've done little to help myself.   Maybe there wasn't anything I could've done.  Maybe that's just being evasive.

Cya....

August Trash Day...

We're over a third of the way through August.   Taking trash to the curb was easy today.  The temps are down. It was fairly cool last night.

I'm having to be careful with these weather shifts.  My feet are warning me a lot of possible flare-ups.  I don't need another round of gout.  

I had to do a fair amount of walking yesterday while running errands.  We've had a high dew point.  Both are prone to push me into a gout incident.  It really sucks when you're trying to maintain some exercise, but your feet keep screwing up.

Even with this cooler weather, I'm staying tired.  I guess my body is just trying to catch up after all the heat.

My dental cleaning went well.  Unless something happens, I don't have to go there again until 2016.

That's it for now.

Cya...

Rushed Morning...

I have a dental cleaning appointment today & some errands to run in Fort Smith.  Today's supposed to be cooler than yesterday, I hope so.  This heat is kicking my ass hard.   My plan is to do what needs to be done today & try to stay as cool as possible.  After that, who knows.

Cya...

Awful Shopping Trip...

Went shopping this morning & it was pretty foul.  The temps soared as soon as we got there & the humidity stayed high,  The store was very humid, to the point it was impacting the produce.   I got back to the car & was already worn out for the day.  I'm still very tired & achy.  Hopefully, I'll feel better later.  

I have a dental cleaning appointment tomorrow.  I need to be feeling better by them  Stay cool & dry.

Cya...

Policy Failures...

I read headlines stating HIV transmissions rates are rising.  The writers seem so shocked.  Why?

The efforts established to fight HIV during the 80's & 90's have been abandoned or underfunded so they can no longer operate.  The government stepped up the abysmal failure of abstinence only propaganda & systematically defunded programs educating about HIV.  Those providing testing, counseling & assistance have also been gutted.  Often by the allegedly well meaning Affordable Care Act.

They've moved towards a treatment as prevention  strategy.  I still call BS on this approach.   To treat them, you have to test them.  To test them, you have to make them aware of the situation enough to go get tested.  Treatment as prevention is a failure.

The only thing this approach supports is the pharmaceutical companies, like the 1 making Truvada.  You know, the PrEP drug.   Its catching on so well.  Sarcasm.

We had a plan. We had a working method.  But apparently funding big pharma was more important.  So, of course the transmission rates are climbing.   

Cya...

The Heat, It Is On...

August is here & its packing a hot punch.  Oh boy, he's talking about the weather again.   Yes, I am.  This heat takes a serious toll on me.  It affects how I feel in general, it saps my energy, destroys my digestion & alters my sleep patterns.  So, yes, I'm talking about the weather again.

If  you are + or otherwise chronically ill, there's a good chance the weather impacts your health as well.    There are many medications that leave you very sensitive to heat &/or excessive light.   It can stress your body much more than you may think,   Therefore, its affecting your regimen.

Heat is just another stressor you have to be aware of when you're +.  Maybe some are lucky enough not to be bothered by it.  I'm not.  HIV lowers your tolerance for anything. My meds alter my sensitivity to heat & light.  Making me that much more prone to heat related illness.  Are you?

Cya.

Sticky...

Its been pretty sticky here.  I keep having to peel myself of the desk where the humidity has me adhered.   As long as I'm in a fan-produced whirlwind, I'm doing pretty well.  I'm usually more worried about staying dry, more than cook during the Summer.

I have to go pick up my roomie in a bit.  Not much is catching my eye on the net,  This is it for today.

Cya...

Uncalled For Stress...

I don't need the stressors I have They do nasty things to my sleep, digestion & overall health.  Doctors tell  chronically ill patients is to watch their stress levels,    Telling someone not to stress about something, is the surest way to make sure they do.

Last night before going to bed, I checked my email.   There was an email from my car insurance company.  They said I hadn't signed something yet & if I didn't soon, it could impact my insurance.

But, they never sent me anything to sign.  I searched my paperwork & there were no requests or signature forms.  I tried to call.

That failed, their lines were overloaded.  I tired their website.  That also failed due to congestion.   I found an alternate number & couldn't get a representative after being on hold for 30 minutes.  I called again & finally heard a message saying the email was a mistake.

What?  You caused me to panic over this & its a mistake.  Great I don''t have to do anything other than figure out how to calm down so I can sleep.  I figured I'd still call them to insure I'd heard everything correctly.

This morning there was another email confirming the error & no further action needed to be taken.  Thanks a lot for the stress jerks.   I didn't need that at all.  Right now, I'm still dealing with an elevated stress level over this.  

Cya....

Weird Weather...

The temps keep fluctuating today.  Its not fun.  We're going up & down as the weather front moves.  I wish the cooler 1 would stay.  Its windy out there & I could easily lose my net.  I'll keep this short.  I don't really have much to post about today anyway.

Cya...

Well, There Goes That...

Any hopes I had for August being pleasant just got blasted out of existence.  Yesterday, was reasonably nice & we aren't supposed to need the AC today.  However, after today, every day in the  10-day forecast is well over a 100 F.  

Last year, we kissed 100 a couple of times.  We're well past that after this July.  August is looking to be a beast.  Just wonderful, there goes our electric bill average.   Still, it should mean less lawn mowing,    You have to take what you get.  It'll also kill some of the bugs.

I won't be doing much during this heat if I can help it.  I have a dental cleaning appointment coming up though,  Its going to be hot.   I've gotten to where I can't eat out & then drive home in the heat for any distance.  It kills my stomach & wipes me out.

Wherever you are try to stay cool (I guess that'd be warm in the southern parts of the world).

Cya...

New Month, New Bills...

Its the start of the month again, so we're off to deal with the bills.  After that, we've got to go shopping as well.   I'm not a fan of doing both on the same day, but sometimes it just works out that way,  

Its heating back up again,  That figures, its still August after all.  I hope it doesn't too much, 

Well, time to go get this fay started.  Have a good 1.

Cya... 

Not Buying It...

As a kid, I had pretty simple wants.  My home life was bad at the best of times, horrible most days & could work its way up to disastrous.   All I really wanted was a place to be happy & not feel threatened.  I wanted to feel safe & secure.  Most of my life, I've been in various levels of anxiety.  

I've done some depressing posts on this blog.  This isn't 1 of those, even though some will take it as such.  I've talked about how if some things were removed from my life circumstances would improve.  I still believe that.

Don't construe that for me believing these things or their absence will make me happier.  I don't believe that at all.   I just know that there is only so much I can deal with at any given time.

More to the point, I don't believe the presence of things or people will make me more or less happy, because I don't really believe in happiness.  I think happiness is a concept people made up as a goal for their lives.  Like how the lovers go off happily ever after in fairy tales.  Its not real.

I believe in happy moments, but they're fleeting.  I believe in taking joy in those things that make you smile or lift  your spirits.  But I don't believe in happiness as a state of being for any length of time.

I don't believe in security much either.  Apparently that's just another dream people struggle to realize.  Most never really finding it.    All the while making themselves feel like crap for not achieving it.  

This is life.  Life isn't about being safe, secure & happy.  There might be moments of those things & they should be relished.  But, if you're in a state of continued bliss,  I question your sobriety, honesty &/or sanity.  If you feel secure, be thankful, it could end at any moment.

Life is a struggle.  It most often sucks & isn't fair.  Embrace the moments when you can,  Some people don't get a lot of them.

Cya...

Hello August...

July apparently didn't like me griping about the humidity so much.  Yesterday started out plesant & then went awkward.   I'd become somewhat accustomed to the higher humidity levels, 45%+ during the day & 85% + at night.  That all ended yesterday.  

Yesterday afternoon, it was in the 90's, but never high enough to turn on the AC.   That part was nice.  What wasn't, was when it fell to the low 20's for humidity levels.  Lower humidity can dry you out quick,  My eyes, nose & throat were all dry & scratchy.   

Looks like we're headed that way again today.  I'm not sure if the AC will come on or not, but the lack of humidity is already drying me out.   Oklahoma isn't happy  unless it keeps you guessing on what part of the weather's going to be contrary at any given moment.

Other than being a dry, August is starting off well.   Hopefully, that will hold.  We  don't need anything upsetting the wagon.

Cya...