Letting Go...

As a kid, my family rambled all over.  I constantly had to give up things or lost them.  During my 20's, I'd have people come up & call me by name.   They'd look familiar, but I couldn't recall them.  They knew me from somewhere I'd lived before.  They always had more recollection of me than I did of them.  It was very uncomfortable.   I'd do my best to recall, but I usually couldn't.  They probably felt very insulted.

Part of being a kid with parents like mine, was having to block things out.  To make yourself forget places, things & even people.   You had to live in the now.  The past was gone & who knew what the future was going to be.

As I got older & my parents were no longer part of my life, I swerved the other direction.  I resisted letting go of things in my life, even if they weren't the best thing for me.  I held onto crappy jobs, questionable friends, junky stuff, etc...

The idea of letting go just seemed wrong.  I wasn't above purging clutter from my life.  I actually like that.  But things that meant something to me could become objects of burden I had a real problem getting rid of. Keeping these things gave me some sense of control.  Not a good 1, but still it was something.

My roomie can have similar issues & neither of us like letting go of things that are still in good shape.  If we can find someone who can use them, that's great.  If not, they tend to linger in our lives.

Sometimes, we find things are becoming burdens in our lives.  Unnecessary things take up needed space.  Annoying people just won't push things far enough to give the boot.  Books or shows become a task to endure.   

Still, for some time, we push on with these white elephants.  Because we feel like we're betraying these things.  Like if we only tried a little harder or a little longer things might work out.  But, they won't.

It's best to treat this like a bandage.  Grab the edge & yank.  It'll be uncomfortable, but then it'll be over.  The slow way only prolongs the discomfort.   

We recently gave up on a TV show.  It was 1 we really liked & we still like the characters.  But, the writers ruined it.  It's only a TV show, but still that twinge of remorse was there.  I'm glad we let it go, but still I'd rather it just had worked out in the 1st place.  Now I'll wonder what could've been with that show.

I'm not a hoarder, the idea repulses me.  However, when you've had some much taken away from as a child on repeated occasions, it gets very hard to relinquish these things & the control or stability they represent.  That TV show is gone from my life,  I'm fine with that.  But, I'm angry stupid people ruined something of mine.

That's part of my problem with my current HIV specialist situation.  The idea of letting go of my old 1 & changing, makes me trepidatious & angry.  If only my old doctors had just kept themselves functioning in a more conducive manner, I wouldn't be going through this now.   But, here I am.   I'm holding onto the past, because it's familiar & I'm resistant to this change.  I hate jumping headlong into things.

Cya...