I'm not doing all that well this morning. The weather has done a bit of a number on how I feel physically, but I can deal with that. I woke up a little early this morning. I've still not adjusted to Winter sleep patterns yet.
I had disconcerting dreams about people who used to be important to me. People who choose to or were purposely removed from my life. None of these were due to flippant decisions on my part. That part of blame, I won't accept.
I kept wondering why these people were in my dreams. I didn't speak to or even know where most of them were anymore. I knew it was some kind of weird dream & what made it really strange was that it felt like they somehow knew it as well. Sometimes dreams just suck. Not uncommon for me.
I woke up anxious & couldn't really get back to sleep. I just kept thinking about my life. Something I try not to do too much. Ever since I was a kid, definitely by the time I was hitting my teens, I've been jumping from frying pan to frying pan & sometimes right into the fire. I'm not sure how many more jumps I have. I have absolutely no idea where I'd land. I doubt it would be a good place.
I used to have more people in my life, now I have 1. I hate that, but I'm not sure how to fix it any more. This situation often leaves me in a state of anxiety & what-if's.
When I was young, I didn't think there was anyway I'd live past 30. If I'd been right, at least I'd avoided HIV & the 2000's; you know things like 9/11, The Tea Party & the Kardashians.
I think I'm really out of answers & plans. I'm just skidding by & it's not fun. I'm really tired of being anxious, panicky & scared of what comes next. It's exhausting.
Cya...
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