Christmas happened. I wish I could say I handled it well, but I didn't. The hardness of this year's holidays snuck up on me. It wasn't my old disdain. It was a hollowness that wouldn't let up. A series of reminders of how it wasn't what I needed. I don't even know what that'd be anymore. I don't need things that could fit under a tree. I don't need things that can be bought. The things I need are more of a state of mind or income bracket. Nothing that's going to be addressed by a gift or outing.
I saw precious few lights this year. Maybe they're like my hummers & dragons & fading away. The numbers dwindled & the Winter night was just cold & dark. Someone like me, shouldn't be the person trying to stoke the holiday embers. I don't have that in me.
We watched our last holiday special last night, How The Grinch Stole Christmas. During his coup on the holiday, he found the holiday still arrived without all the trappings. A lovely thought. In my life, it's mostly been the opposite. Even with all the lights, presents & food, the holiday never really came. The season may have been bright & merry, then the guest of honor, Christmas, failed to show. The day arrived & the event happened. But the magic, the promise, the specialness never materialized. It was just a long con, that left a mess of wrapping, boxes, leftovers & unmet dreams.
I tried not to be a downer this holiday. I pretty much failed at that. I may have been more than others could handle. I may have darkened the day more than I thought. I really wasn't fit for company, not even with myself.
Maybe 2023 was just too hard on me & I just couldn't. Maybe next year there will be more lights. Maybe there will come a time when I just can't do this at all anymore, but for now I'll try. The biggest thing the holiday & it's specials try to pitch is hope. Maybe I'm just too tarnished for that anymore.
I hope your holiday was grand.
Cya...
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