Leftovers...

We carry things from earlier on in our lives.  We tell ourselves those times are over & we can let go of them, but sometimes we just can't.  Other times, we don't even know we have them until something triggers us.  

For example, (bear with me),  my roomie's, friend's son accidentally broke their flatscreen TV.  This wasn't his fault for many reasons:

• He's only 8 or 9
• His parents have always let him play with his toys near the TV
• The toy suddenly broke & part sailed into the TV

It was an accident.  An accident that could've been avoided if he hadn't been allowed to play near the TV.  But, a toy unexpectedly breaking & sending part straight into a flatscreen isn't something a kid could've have anticipated.   Again, he's a kid.

Still, many of us as kids, myself included, still would've caught hell over this event.  Not just for then either, it would've meant a lifetime's worth of spite material for our parents or other relatives.  From then on, the event could've & would've been used against you.  A flatscreen TV would become something you dreaded.

There are actions kids do today; talking back, not holding the door or being too loud in a restaurant that make me cringe.  I would've been bopped & hard.  My grandmother believed in physical sanctions to enforce what she saw as positive habit development.

When you 1st find out you're + you notice things.  How people react.  How they treat the situation & you can have a lot of impact.   Did those around you accept this was something you were enduring or did they make it into their own personal drama?  Yes, others in your life will be impacted by your HIV status, but it's still you that's going through it, not them.  

Things like this linger in our mind.  My roomie & I both have a lot of leftovers like this courtesy of our families & alleged friends.  You can try to let go of it, but it's seriously difficult.   People will tell you, it happened so long ago or it wasn't that bad.   Totally irrelevant.   These things happen when you're vulnerable.  They scar you.  Scars may heal, but they generally don't go away.

Luckily, the boy who broke the TV wasn't blamed for it.  The adults realized it was an accident.  I hope he does as well & this doesn't become a leftover in his life.

The point is, things like this matter, they mark us, often indelibly.  We may move past it, but the scar's still there & from time to time we're reminded of how it came to be.  My ex-roommate, co-opted my illness.  My HIV status & sickness became his to use as he could.  He did this until he couldn't milk the situation for anything more.  Then he left.  So, I have some trust issues regarding the matter.  At least I was old enough to realize that was his issue & not something I needed to let mark my life.  He really wasn't worth that.

Words & actions matter, especially to vulnerable people.  Practice a little care or just stay away from people.

Cya...