Low...

Of the bad points of having a chronic illness, exhaustion has to be near or at the top.  The other things can be worse, but they usually don't last long.  The fatigue brought on by exhaustion can be nearly constant.  You can sleep & wake up more tired than when you went to  bed.  You can spend all your energy on simple things like showering or fixing something to eat.  

Perhaps the worst part is the inability to communicate how fatigue is really like to someone who's never experienced it.  They can't grasp it.  If they can, they're probably suffering with exhaustion as well & will be of no help to you other than comradery.  Exhaustion & fatigue are vampires that don't die when the sun rises.  They're your own personal monster that most other people can't see or understand. 

Cya..

Last September Sunday...

The month is wrapping up & Fall is off to a rocky start.  There's still grass, bugs, heat & lots of humidity.   Allegedly, that's all supposed to break this Wednesday.  Afterwards, the weather is  supposed to be in the low 80's & high 70's.  I hope we don't plummet into cold.  I hate not transitioning from Summer to Winter.  It's not supposed to nosedive from blazing to frigid.  

Not much is going today.  I'm happy for that.  It's still warm & things are being gripey.  I'm ready for a cool down, so everything will shut up.  I'm tired of grousing, mowers roaring & fans blowing.  If it's going to Fall, then be Fall already.

Cya...

Conversation Change...

Short post this morning.  I'd just like to make point & then I'm done for the day.   I've noticed a trend in articles about how the conversation concerning HIV has changed.  It allegedly has become more sophisticated, accurate, embracing, etc... These  writers want to make it to seem as if talk about the virus is becoming for lack of better of word, more positive.  

It may very well be evolving into something more palatable  less emotive than it was in the past.  It may be a topic we can handle  in regards to PrEP, being undetectable, regimens & the like.  However, even if the talk is more tolerable, it's only being seen as acceptable in certain venues.  Unfortunately these populations were groups already supportive of the idea.   For  less involved people, many living with fear, living with hate or stigma, the conversation hasn't changed.  It's still the same talk it always has been. For some it's still very dangerous.

The people pushing this are trying to spin their point to make it seem more people are being embracing of those living with HIV than is accurate.  They're hoping they can lead the population to be more civil with little lies to herd them.  "See, everyone else is fine with it.  Why aren't you?"  Why is it seen as spin when allegedly good people do & gas lighting when those deemed as awful employ the same tactics. 

The conversation is only improving in populations where it was already being discussed in a civil manner.   Everywhere else is still reacting pretty much the same to it & some areas are actually worse.   The point these writers made was misleading.  

Cya..

Cortisol Control...

After yesterday morning, I decided to look into managing cortisol.  I thought if I could do it, maybe I could lessen the number of bad mornings I have.  I guess I was trying to be funny, because all that search did was lead me into typical wellness hoo-ha; get sleep, exercise, be mindful, don't stress, eat right, don't drink, don't smoke... The same BS they say about absolutely everything.   I hate the do-gooder police.  They always have their knee-jerk go-to's.  Especially when they don't know what the hell they're talking about.  Too bad doctors reiterate the same BS when they're stumped.  

I was hoping for a supplement or something to help level my cortisol levels.  Some far that I haven't found anything.  I'll keep looking.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Cortisol Suckage...

I've had a few not great mornings this Fall.  This was my 1st super-stressed wake-up.  Some mornings I wake terrified or worried about everything.  Sometimes I feel like I've been given a heart-shot of adrenaline & I'm in a fight or flight moment, but I can't choose either.  Then there are murder mornings.  There are times when I wake up that I'm so seriously angry I could kill the world.  I might feel bad about in a hour or so, but in that moment I'd do it & laugh like an madman.

All those mornings have somethings in common.  I never feel rested.  I'm exhausted & sore.  Even after I come down, I'm still edgy for hours.  The villain of this story is cortisol.

This piece talks about morning anxiety.  It details the symptoms & their relation with the hormone cortisol.  This piece talks about how cortisol affects mental states.  Cortisol can affect blood pressure.  Its production can be affected by a host of environmental factors & health conditions, such as HIV.

Cortisol may be necessary, but it is such a bitch.

Cya...

Your Life....

The last bit has been rough on me & I don't see a break coming  soon.  I'm trying to wade through this muck but it's not easy.  The last few months have been filled with anxiety causing BS.  The TV was acting weird.  I stepped out on the porch only find fire ants had nested under some pavers.  Those bastards hurt.  Now they're dead, but damn that stung.  There is no good reason to keep fleas, roaches, fire ants or termites.   Up with the butterflies, dragons, lightning bugs & bees.

I've seen some pieces lately over people trying to justify their emotions after being diagnosed HIV+.  To hell with that.  There may meds, there may be better regimens, there may be many great things.  But there's also the fact you are now +.  Now you have the life a poz person & all that baggage.  You have the medical hoops & meds.  You have the knowledge it's forever & you've changed.  There is exhaustion, anger & stigma.  

How you feel or react is legitimate.  It's  your diagnosis & your life.  You're the only person who gets to decide how you feel about your life.  Screw anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.  HIV may not be a death sentence for most of us any more.  But our old lives are over.  It's not fabulous, it's infuriating.  There are days I curse starting treatment & sticking around.  It would've been easier not to have.  Life as a poz person can be an absolute bitch.  But, it's usually not all the time.  

It's your life, your health & your story.  No one else gets to own  it.  No one gets to use your illness to build themselves up.  If someone tries to use your illness to their advantage, do your best to get away from them.  Those people don't give a damn about you.  They only want to make you're the current sad arc of their personal drama.  Just run.

Cya...

No More...

This won't be pleasant.  Yet again, I didn't find any articles to write about.  The weather is still difficult.  I feel fairly poor & I'm really stressed.  There's a list of things that need handled.  Any of them could move from a "should be handled" to a "must be handled now" at any instant.  The TV is acting weird & it not even a year old.  We need a lot of things replaced.  There are house, medical, dental & more.  I can't anymore.  I hate waking up, because I know what's waiting for me.

Occasionally, I'll be asked what I'd like for this or that.  I never have an answer.  The only thing I've ever really wanted, I'll never get.  I just wanted to feel safe, secure in the moment.  I don't think I ever have.  No wonder I'm always nervous.  Some people may be worse off than me, but I'd never wish my life on anyone.   Being this anxious & scared is exhausting.   The only thing I want is the thing I'll never have.

I'm tired & I just can't & I doubt that will change.  

Cya...

Not Sure...

For a bit there light was beaming through the window.  It was awesome.  It probably won't last, but I wish it would.  It's drizzling & we need the rain.  But, I really need the light.  

Fall's already crashing on my head.  It wouldn't be so bad, but Summer was a bust.  Nothing was what it should've been.  Everything & everyone has been very demanding these last few months.  I've been running on fumes & now I'm spent.  I can't do anything else for anyone or thing for a while.  If it needs done, someone has to do it.  I'm done for the duration.

I've got to get.  I need a shower & then there'll be errands to handle.  I didn't wake up well, so this won't be fun.  Take care.

Cya...

Still Tired...

There wasn't much in the way in articles this morning. Some guy from the new Queer Eye show came out as HIV+.   I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to do it, but I'm not sure it worth nearly that many articles.  It must really be a slow article month.  Then there were some boohoo posts about HIV+ people being blocked on hookup apps like Grindr.  That was about it for the articles.

I am tired from all the crap going on lately.  Mostly I'm sick of hearing about it.  I'll be glad when it's over, so people will shut up & stop complaining about things that can't be handled. They at least can't be changed by me.  So leave me out of it.

 Sorry for the lame rant.  The equinox is here tomorrow.  Not that it seems likely to change much.  Sorry, not big on the hope thing at the moment.

Take care.

Cya...

Over It...

This month hasn't been good for me.  I've been ill.  It's been hot.  Things wear out.  Stores have been crappy.  People are being snitty, difficult & stupid.  I'm just too spent to deal with any of it.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to again.  I hate everything that's stressing me out.  It all needs to end.  I can't do this crap much longer.   Everything needs to pause for a few minutes & people need to aim better.  I'm done.

On a good note, it did rain about an inch yesterday.  Still short by 3" for the month.  But, at least we got that much.  

Cya...

A Little Rain...

I'm trying to be thankful, it's not going so well.  It's cooler this morning & it's rained about .1" at most.  It needs to do a lot more than that to cool things down & wash away some allergens.   We're supposed to get over 4" of rain this month.  I don't see that happening.  Glad we're up for the year.

Not much else is going on.  We'll go shopping in a bit & that's about it.  Hopefully, it really does cool off, everybody needs it.  

OK, that's it.  Blogger's being weird & I've got nothing, more tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya...

A Break, Maybe...

Today is supposed to be the last day in the 90s for a while.   The forecast has said that before, this month even.  We'll see if it holds.  I hope so.  I want the rain we're supposed to get.  We haven't had any rain & the monthly average is 4+".   That's why the allergens are rampaging.    

I didn't see any newer articles.  My eye is settling down from it's issues.  I'm glad, I hate dealing with eye issues.  Trash is out.  The Fall Equinox is on the 23rd.   In 4 days Autumn is here.  Things are already fading & falling.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya.

Allergies & Eyes...

Allergies have taken their toll on my eyes.  My eyes have had enough of it.  My right eye is red.  I'm hoping I don't have to go the doctor over it.  If it's not better today, I may have to call in tomorrow.   I hope not, my eyes react badly to a lot of meds.   All the hot air & fans aren't helping either.  

I'll post more tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya...

Stigma Goes On...

This article was at the top of the heap.  Gareth Thomas, a former Welsh rugby star revealed himself as HIV+.  He also revealed he was gay, married & living in a serodiscordant relationship.  (His husband isn't +)  He said he wanted to help break down the stigma of HIV.  Maybe, he did.

But, later it was also revealed he was being pressured by tabloids.  They were threatening to reveal his condition.  He might have been able to sue them for health & privacy issues, but the damage would've been done.  These "papers" saw the opportunity of using the stigma of HIV to blackmail a sports star & tried to do so.  He just came out before they could.  He was forced to reveal himself.  He was outed.  These tabloids should be burnt to the ground.

I wish him well.  I hope those tabloid people get hit by lightning.  The stigma hasn't lessened.  It was just acknowledged once more.  Stigma is powerful & dangerous.  It was used against a fairly famous man.  What could it do someone less fortunate?  

Take care.

Cya...

So It goes...

It's more of the same.  There's not much in the way of articles.  I guess this heat is killing them off as well.    It's still hot, humid & laden with ragweed.  At least I'm mostly over whatever hell I had a few days back.  That sucked.

Not much planned, we have shopping later & that's about it.  My roomie has some things to do this week, but nothing demanding.  That's good, because it's still too hot to do much.   The forecast keeps changing.  It's promised an end to the heat  several times only to have the hot weather continue.  

Maybe there will be more articles tomorrow.  I'll post again tomorrow.  Take care.

Cya...

September Sucks...

This month has seriously been the worst.  It's been consistently the hottest.  It's allergy ridden & has left me ill. I'm not having anything nice to say about it.  This needs to end soon.

I didn't see any articles this morning, so that's it for now.  Sorry for the short post. Hopefully, more tomorrow.

Cya...

Feelings...

There've been a lot of articles over chemsex parties & how they're refueling the HIV epidemic.  This isn't just an American phenomenon.   This piece is about the issue throughout Europe. Chemsex isn't really the problem, it's just a symptom.  

Whether a chemsex party or gathering of backwoods types to shoot-up, the reasons are pretty much the same.  These people are looking for escape.   They need contact. They need not to think.  They're drowning in their own misery & trying to escape even for a few moments in a very dangerous way.   Giving these people other options, opportunities, or even just some compassion & acknowledgement might go a long way.  These people feel disconnected, alone & hopeless.  They need an out.

Less judging & more understanding is the path to helping this situation. 

Cya...

PS - Starting to feel better.  Hope it holds.  That crap sucked.

Needs To Give...

Something has to give soon.  Between the heat, humidity & ragweed, I'm sick & not just of it.  I spent yesterday with minor flu like symptoms & felt slightly feverish.  I pretty much lost my voice.  I was exhausted.  I went to bed earlier & feel slightly better.  I have no idea if it'll last & I need to go shopping.  I'm sick of Fall already.  Is there even a real Autumn anymore? It goes from hot with allergies, to wet with allergies, to cold with allergies.  Where are nice Fall days in the 70s?

Take care.  Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

Cya...

Sacked By Allergies...

Weird, lagging, Summer temps & odd light have made this month difficult so far.   Still, the biggest culprit is ragweed.  We've had hot, allergen filled air for weeks now.  It has taken its toll on my eyes, throat & general well being.   My roomie & the cats are faring no better.

The only thing I can find useful about that weed is that some caterpillars like it.  Those had better be some damned beautiful butterflies.   I might forgive the plant for that.  Probably not & not like it cares what I think. It's an infernal weed.

That's all for take care.

Cya...

HIV Hate...

I don't see another motivation than hate for what's depicted in this article.   Former Florida Governor Rick Scott let $50 - $70 million simply be blocked or not requested for the fight against HIV in Florida.  It was a simple process to gain the funds.  He also blocked the expansion of medicaid in his state.

Rick Scott & his cronies not only failed their constituents in the fight against HIV.  They allowed HIV to spread.  Many agencies, including the CDC, tried to help, but were blocked by Scott.   This man criminally allowed the spread of the virus to others.  I'd like to call this callous indifference, but it wasn't.  It was a statement about his stance on HIV & those living with it.  

That life with HIV today.  I'm fortunate.  For some reason, Oklahoma's decent about HIV.  I'm not sure how that happened, but it did.  It's also among the reasons, I'll probably never be able to leave this state.  Many other states don't handle their HIV treatment & meds through Medicaid.  You have to go through special programs & there's often a long wait for service.  You could get sicker or die waiting for help.  Maybe that's the point.

Cya...

Bad Morning...

Yesterday's appointment went fine, medically.  Everything else  sucked.  My appointment was at 8:45.  I expected to be out of there by 9:30 or 9:45.   I didn't get into the room until 9:30. I didn't see the doctor until about 10:40.  He was with me  for less than 10 minutes.  He had a 3rd year come in 1st & do basically nothing.  By the time he was there, I was pissed.  It was almost 11 when I got to the car.  I wasted 2 hours.

I have an appointment in January.  If this repeats, I'll have to go elsewhere.  I can't do these long waits, no one should.  An appointment is needs to be a thing, not a time for you to get there & start waiting.

The clinic has merged with the hospital and is trying to get rural health clinic status.  It would mean higher reimbursement rates for the clinic from the patients using medicare/medicaid.   Which is probably 90% of its patients.    We'll see how this goes. I may have to say goodbye in January to someone I've  seen since 2002.  But, his loyalty is not to me.  So mine has to be to myself.

Cya...

Early & Out...

I'm up a little earlier than normal.  I have an appointment at 8:45 with my primary.  It's a quarterly thing with him.  It should be just to touch base.  

Still, I had to wake up in the dark.  I'm already not handling Fall well.   The light changed too soon after a dismal Summer.  Even for all it's gloom, it was still hot & the heat has remained.   I'm trying not to, but my nerves are already acting up a bit.  Maybe I'll feel better when the weather settles, if it ever does.

More later.  I have to get around.  

Cya...

Hot Sunday...

The 2nd Sunday in September is supposed to the  hottest day of the month.  It'd be among the hottest of the Summer.  I'm waking to weak sunrises &  it's hot.  I'm not sleeping as well I'd like & I'm waking up even worse.   Seasonal change sucks.

I have a doctor's appointment early tomorrow.  That means showering tonight, instead of in the morning.   I need to get trash out & deal with whatever else has be done in the house.   

The end of Summer has been much harder on me than the rest of it.   Fall sucks.  It's going to be hellishly hot & humid, then it'll rain, then it will freeze.  We haven't had a real Autumn or Spring in years.   Just a short, soaked transition from hot to  cold to & back again.

OK, rant over for now.  Take care.

Cya...

Disconnect...

It can't decide whether it's hella hot Summer or massively, muggy Fall.  Neither are great choices, but I'd go with the less humid option.  I don't do well with seasonal changes, but it's worse when the seasons refuse to change.

I see articles that tell people they're not they're disease (HIV).  While technically accurate, it doesn't feel like.  Between how the virus can make you feel & having to stick to a regimen, it's hard not to think about being HIV+.  I imagine anyone with a chronic illness feels the same. 

Even if you can get passed seeing yourself as just your illness, many won't.  Well meaning friends & family will ask about it.  Reminding you again, yes you are HIV+.  Less kind people will do so as a way of keeping you in your place.  Many people; doctors, pharmacists, lab techs, sale people, etc... will only relate to you on the basis of you being +.  Feeling that you're more than your illness, is no easy feat.

There a lot of things that have defined my life more than having the virus.  But being HIV+, is definitely up there on the list. I've been + for more than a third of my life.   That's longer than I was with my family, was in school, most everything I've been part was for less time than that.  Of course, being + is a huge part of my identity.   

You may not be your illness, but like it or not, it's a big part of  you.   This is a place for recognition & acceptance.  Not to wallow, but to adjust & move on with your life as it is now.  There really is no other healthy option.

Cya...

Change In The Hurricane...

Used to, when there was a hurricane on the coast, it affected us as well.  It took a few days, but it did.  We got a notable cool down & some rain.  It'd clear the air & knock the heat back.  

For the last couple of years, the only things hurricanes have done for us, is made it worse.   Now, they blow in hot, wet air.  We were in a cool down & then the hurricane blew us back into the upper 90s with up to 100% humidity by 9PM.  The wetness holds until early afternoon the next day.   

No more good things from hurricanes.  Just heat, humidity & abundant allergens.  But of course, there's been no change in the weather or climate.  Anyone who lives in the South & tells you there's been no change, is either an idiot or a liar.

Cya...

Fake News, Real Stigma...

This piece details an event in Cincinnati.  An online bulletin was spread on Facebook.  It appeared as a legitimate city  health notification.  Except it wasn't, it was completely false.  

The post claimed a local woman was HIV+ & had knowingly spread the virus to over a dozen men.  The post completely doxed her.  Everything about the memo was accurate, except  she wasn't HIV+ & it wasn't from the city.  

The woman & her family have contacted the officials.  The health department wouldn't have posted this online.  Yet, even if it's taken down, it will always be out there.  The person who sent this could be charged with filing a false report.  The woman could sue them.  But, the damage is done.   

Because of a love to spread damaging gossip.  Because of the stigma associated with HIV.  There are people who will always believe she did this thing.  There's nothing anyone can do about it.  Addressing too much, could actually convince the haters more she actually did it.

The sender of this false information may be legally handled, but it will never be enough.   The sender won.  They got what they wanted.  They wanted to hurt this woman & get some attention.  Who knows why they did it, it doesn't matter.  In the end, someone used the virus for defamation.  That's the stigma of HIV & it was weaponized.

Cya...

Trying Newish...

We went out to eat yesterday for the tail end of my birthday.  It was a place that became a chain over the last 20+ years.  I went to school where the original restaurant was in Stillwater.    I was never that fond of it there, but it'd been 20+ years since I'd been to a Hideaway Pizza.

I sort of really hate Ft Smith.   It has stupid levels of traffic in some areas & the drivers are asshats.   Yesterday turned out to be no different.  The place looked packed, it really wasn't, just deceptive parking.   

The process of getting in wasn't easy.  You had to park quite away from the door.  There was no short way into the place.  Once inside, you were immediately reintroduced to the 90s.

We got in & ordered.  The food was OK.  The service was reasonable.  The prices were more than they should've been given the quality & portion.   Hideaway went from being some post-hippie, collegiate hangout for frat bros to a bougie chain for norms.  

I'm glad we went.  It was different.   We were curious to see if the place had changed.  It had, just not for the better.  Overall, we had a new experience.  We probably won't repeat it, but it was different.  At least there's that.

Cya...

Put Off...

Not much going on here.  We'll head out in a bit & handle more bill paying.  Monday holidays throw things off.  We're going out  eat later, part of my birthday plans.   

I called to confirm my appointment with my primary for next Monday.   Everything seems in order.   The heat is back in a big way.  At least for the next week or so, we'll be in the mid 90s or higher.   Blasted hurricane blew hot, wet air our way,  thanks.

Take care.

Cya...

September Continues...

It's Labor Day, the holiday that always trashed my birthday as a kid.  It wasn't even a good holiday that got you gifts or cheap chocolate.  It was the kind that made sure no one else was  around to celebrate with you.  School had started & I got a reminder of everyone else's priorities.

I'm glad my birthday is over.   It makes me feel weird.  I pay too much attention to things.  Everything seems more personal & relevant, even it isn't.  I noticed yesterday seemed to be focused on getting rid of things.  I took out the trash.  The yard got mowed.   I found out a neighbor had finally committed to leaving the area & sold his home.   None of this meaningful, but it all felt overwhelmingly pointed.  Like the only thing happening in my life was that things were going away.  Hell, maybe it's true, but I can't think about that right now.

We'll go shopping in a bit & tomorrow will be bill day. Fall is mostly here & I'm already almost over it.  It's just been nasty weather & overcast.  I need this upcoming year to be better.  I don't think I can handle a repeat or worse.

Take care.

Cya...

Hello September & 53...

Today is the 1st of September & birthday.  OK, both of you, it should be easy to be better than the previous month & year.  August wasn't  the best month & being 52 was a little rough at times.   I'd appreciate a smoother ride this go around.

We saw a movie yesterday.  It was a nice outing.  We'll try to go eat somewhere for my birthday midweek.  There'll be bill paying soon. Next Monday, I have an appointment with my primary,  just touching base with him.  It's supposed to get hot again, maybe it'll at least be brighter.  That'd be nice.  

That's it for now.  Take care & Happy Birthday to me & everyone else who got older today.

Cya...