This is the last day of August 2023 & it's the last few hours of me being 56. I wish this was winding down in a more positive way. This last year has been difficult at best & absolutely adversarial at times. It'd be nice to leave this behind with some fond moments, but those were very scarce this year. The year before August was a great month, that didn't happen this time.
As time goes on I actually learn to resent my family more. A lot of them are dead & can't bother me anymore. The rest barely ever make contact. My sister used to call me on my birthday & the holidays. That hasn't happened in over a decade. If I could, I'd make it where my parents never met. No good came from it only misery. They should never have had kids.
People like me probably weren't meant to be here this long. Most of the time, I'm sort of just numb. That's better than the rest of the time where nerves, fears & stressors get more of a grip. I had very few actual wants in this life & they didn't happen, most likely never will. I've had moments I enjoyed & laughed. But I'm not sure I ever felt actually happy. I think to be happy, you have to feel somewhat safe & secure. Those are foreign concepts to me.
Goodbye August & 56. Maybe you did the best you could. What do I want from 57? It'd be nice not to be some damned nervous, stressed & scared all the time. No wonder small animals die so quickly, this stuff is taxing.
We're going out in a bit. I'll do a birthday meal today. More may happen or might not. We'll see. Happy Last Day to me.
Cya...
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