Goodbye August & 56...

 

This is the last day of August 2023 & it's the last few hours of me being 56.  I wish this was winding down in a more positive way.  This last year has been difficult at best & absolutely adversarial at times.  It'd be nice to leave this behind with some fond moments, but those were very scarce this year.  The year before August was a great month, that didn't happen this time. 

As time goes on I actually learn to resent my family more.  A lot of them are dead & can't bother me anymore.  The rest barely ever make contact.  My sister used to call me on my birthday & the holidays.   That hasn't happened in over a decade.  If I could, I'd make it where my parents never met.  No good came from it only misery.  They should never have had kids.

People like me probably weren't meant to be here this long.  Most of the time, I'm sort of just numb.  That's better than the rest of the time where nerves, fears & stressors get more of a grip.  I had very few actual wants in this life & they didn't happen, most likely never will.   I've had moments I enjoyed & laughed.  But I'm not sure I ever felt actually happy.  I think to be happy, you have to feel somewhat safe & secure.  Those are foreign concepts to me.  

Goodbye August & 56.  Maybe you did the best you could.  What do I want from 57?  It'd be nice not to be some damned nervous, stressed & scared all the time.  No wonder small animals die so quickly, this stuff is taxing.

We're going out in a bit.  I'll do a birthday meal today.  More may happen or might not.  We'll see.  Happy Last Day to me.

Cya...

Last August Trash...

 

Today will be the last trash day for August 2023.  It will also be the last time I do this at this age.  Anything I do for the next couple of days will be the last time for this birth year.  

Is it significant?  Maybe, most likely not.  Still, I like to acknowledge endings.  Too much happened in my life without my knowledge, awareness or consent.  It's easier for me if I know things are ending.  Especially if I know why.  Too many things just cease being in our lives without a chance for final moments.  Too often we're surprised by the lost.  Take the moment & see what you had, say your goodbyes & let things go.  It might not be any easier in the moment, but it will be later.

Take care.

Cya...

2nd Good Night...

 

Last couple of nights have been cooler & I slept a lot better.  Unfortunately, now my body is telling me how tired it really has been from the weeks of meh sleep.   I'm groggy & can really feel how spent I've been.  Maybe a couple more nights of this & I'll be a little better off than I have been.  I hope so, I need the rest.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

No More August Mondays...

 

This is the last Monday of the month & will be the last time we go shopping in August.  August crept by in a state of miserableness.   I keep trying to find things to like about this month, but that's really hard.  At least it's bright & cooler this morning.  It might not last, but it's here now.   

For better or worse, I spend a lot of time in just the "Now."  It's all I know & it could get better, but seldom does.  So, when it's at least pleasant, I try to take note.  I don't always succeed.  I'm irritated I'm leaving a year behind that I disdained so much & little, if any of it, was my doing. 

I've spent too much of my life riding waves of others whims, choices or derision.  If this is what life has to offer, most of us should never have gotten on the ride.  This is definitely not an an E-Ticket attraction.

Cya...

Last Line In The Month...

 

We're on the last line of dates in August 2023.   It's only supposed to get into the upper 80s or low 90s today.  That's hotter than we'd like, but it's over 10° lower than we've been.  If we can just lose some of the standing heat, it'd be great.   

My birthday is Friday.  We'll probably do something the day before.  Most places I'd like to go are can have difficult in & outs during high traffic.  It'll be easier on a Thursday.

I really hope it cools down a bit.  Even if it heats again some next week, at least it won't have all this built up to work off of.  We'll have some time to recover from this long week.  Unless I win like a billion dollars in the next few days or all the conservatives die, this will finish out as a pretty sucktastic year.  It'd take something gigantic to save it.

Take care.

Cya...

Last Week...

It's the last week of August 2023 & my birth year.  I've tried to look back at the highlights of this time.  There's a problem.  I can remember some moments & even a few days, but no weeks & definitely not a month.  I don't expect an entire year to be great or even good, but this year was awful most of the time.  The weather, light levels, stressouts, annoyances, etc... were all over the top & uncalled for.  There's been a popular meme this year, calling the weather disrespectful.  Maybe the weather was, but nothing compared to the sheer asshattery of the year. 

I have some birthday plans, we'll see how they hold up.  If they don't, we'll pivot.  I'd been happy if August hadn't decided to stay in swamp mode all month.   This is supposed to be our driest month.  Send this crap back to Louisiana. 

My time with August, this year & Netflix has or is about to come to an end.  I'll miss my Netflix DVD's but the rest of it can get in my rearview mirror & disappear. 

Cya...

Yesterday Was Hard...

 

I'm not sure why, but yesterday was a lot harder than it should've been.  We didn't go anywhere or do anything.  Our schedule was off a bit.  Maybe it was that or the days on end heat.  But, the last 24 hours weren't fun in the least.  2 more days of this heat & then it's supposed to cool down to seasonal norms for out area, not Hell's southern armpit.

That's all for now, we have shopping & I need a shower.  Take care.

Cya...

Still Here Sorta...

 

It's still hot & we're still hating it.  The heat will be here a few more days.  My roomie is having someone over later.  Hopefully we can get the house cooled down by then.   

My lab results have come back & look normal.  The specialist will probably find something to nit pick.  He's new & trying to prove himself.  I'm happy with the results.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Still Cooked...

 

The overnights are still too blasted hot & humid.  With the fans, it's like we're trying to dehydrate ourselves into jerky.  It isn't fun.  This crap will be here until Sunday.  Again, there was no good month, or even full week, in my birth year.   This was 90% suckfest, 3% horror show, 3% meh, 3% OK & 1 lousy percent good.  

The only thing we really have on the list today it going to pick up meds.  Other than that, there's taking trash out.  Then it's inside for the duration.

Cya...

Over Did It...

 

Yesterday was stupidly hot, annoying, exhausting & sickening.  I woke up after a hot night.  I seriously needed a shower.  In this swampy, heat you don't really feel clean even after a shower.   We got around & headed out.

We got to outpatient at the hospital so I could get labs.  At 1st everything seemed fine.  There wasn't a line in reception or the lab.   Turned out, some of my order was missing.  My doctor is across the street, so I thought I'd check when I got done.  When I got back to the car, we were blocked in due to a life flight helicopter.  It blocked the whole area for about half an hour.   I walked over to my doctors & found out no one knew what happened to the missing lab order.  It'll have to be handled later.  So, I walk back in that heat.  The helicopter was still there.

When we finally get out, there was still shopping.   We handled that & then on the way home some internet installation brahs decided to block the road.  We had to back up & add a mile to our trip to get around those asshats.  

We get home & drop off groceries.  Then we hit the mail place.  We opted to get something to eat.  That took almost 30 minutes of waiting in the line, in that heat.  

We got home.  The AC could barely touch the heat.  We were spent, exhausted & sick.  It took all the rest of the day to even feel a little better.  Then it was another hot night.  The heat is here until Sunday.  Hope we last.

So, I'm cooked & out of energy.  At least the labs are handled.  Those that have come back look normal.  Hopefully, there will be no outings for today, none.

Stay cool & take care.

Cya...

Errands, Heat & Surprise....

 

It's still hot & we have errands.  I'm over the heat for a while.  It's not so bad when the overnights get lower than they have the last few nights.  I may or may not have labs drawn today.  If not then tomorrow.

Last night, while it was still damned hot & almost dark we heard something.  It was the lawn guy.  He did the yard in sopping heat while it got darker & darker.  By the time he was through it was dark.  I hope he's doing well today.

That's all for now.  Time to shower & get out of here.  

Cya...

Hot Dew...

 

It's going to be hot for the week, ugh...  Anyway, this will probably keep the lawn guy from mowing.  At least I hope it does.  We don't need dead lawn man on the yard.   That's not the look we were going for.  Not sure what look we were after, but it wasn't that.   More like too poor care what it looks like, just get it done.

I opted to spray the edges this morning & look for fire ants.  It turned out to be a lot more dewy than I'd expected.  Hope what little I did sticks.  Oh well, if not there's always the next round.  I hate grass.

Take care & watch out for the heat, it's killing people.

Cya...

It Came back...

 

I don't think anyone asked for it, but the heat came back.  The next week doesn't look pleasant. There isn't much going on here today.  From back to back points, my birth year failed to have a decent month.  

The last decent month we had was last year's August.  I had hoped for a repeat, no such luck.  From September to back it was hot, then sticky, then cold, then frigid, then dark, then stormy, then dark & steamy, then dreary & hot, now we're mostly just hot.  

My birth year went from point of suckage to another.  I don't have any hope this year will be better.  If there's a high point to getting older, it's eluded me.  Mostly it just sucks.

Cya...

2 Weeks...

 

There are only 14 days left in my birth year.  I'll add another year to my time here.  This hasn't been a good year for me.  It may actually be the worst I've had in quite a while.  At least in the early 2020s there was COVID to blame.  Now, I guess it's just me.  

I suppose I'm mostly as well as I ever am healthwise.  But in other ways I've felt blitzed most of the year.  I read on the HIV forums a lot of poz people go through this.  Maybe it's the virus, maybe it's just being tired of having the virus.  Besides my roommate, I talk to very few people IRL.  Everything other people speak to me about is either chattering small talk or HIV.   I really wish I'd never heard the term. 

This year, like most of the 2000s has been a bust for me.  I hope it went better for other people.  It just hasn't for me.   I spent a lot of time panicky & scared as a teenager.  I bounced from place to place just skating by as I could.  But still there were fun times, friends & most importantly, I had at least a bit hope things could get better.  It should've ended then.  I might've been scared, but I at least something to hold on to, even if it turned out not to be real.

The 90s were dark for me.  The 00s were mostly numb & disorienting.  The 2010s were filled with just too many issues to juggle   The 2020s have just been filled with an abyss of endings & unwanted beginnings.

I guess you could say, I don't have hopes for the upcoming year.  It'll probably just slide a little farther down the pole.  They say that fear is mind killer.  If that's so, then hope is the devastator of the spirit.  Just a pretty lie we tell ourselves to get buy.  But the promise never holds when payment comes due.

2023 you sucked!

Cya.

Halfway Through August...

 

August is over half done.  It's not been the good month it was last year.  2023 is intent on sucking through & through.  It's going to heat back up today.  It's supposed to stay that way for at least a week.  It is Summer.  At least it doesn't look too hot. 

We've handled all of the month's stuff.  Bills are paid & the errands we can handle have been.  I'll need to get meds & labs drawn next week.  Besides that, the month's mostly handled.   The lawn guy will probably show up at least once more this month.  The grass is way too green for how hot we've been.

That's all for now, take care.

Cya...

Last Of The Respite...

 

This is the last day of our cooler temps for a bit.  After this, we have a week of upper 90s+ in the forecast.  At least the overnights are supposed to be in the low 70s.  It won't be pleasant, but it should be tolerable.

It's another sunny morning.  I'm surprised to have 2 in a row.  I need a lot more, probably won't get them.  It'd be nice.  

I really do hate mornings.  It doesn't matter how much sunlight there is, how well I slept, what's meds I'm taking, I always wake up at least somewhat anxious & blitzed.  I'll come out of it in a bit, but not at 1st.  Some mornings it can be exhausting.   I will never be a morning person.  I can do things if I need to, but it won't be pleasant. 

Wednesdays are a bit of busy day for us.  We have errands & trash.  My roomie has some other stuff to tend to.  It's nothing big, just quite a few extra steps.

Cya...

Trying Not To Focus...

 

There's a lot of crap going on this year.  Very little, if any, was directly aimed at me.  Still, a lot of it is affecting me.  2023 has been a dud year at best & a crapfest at worst. 

I used to have a host of things that could distract me from stuff at least for a while.  Nowadays, most of those things have dried up or I'm burned out on them.   There've been so precious few new things to enjoy.  These artistic strikes aren't helping.  I get why they need to happen, but things would've been easier with new diversions.

I try to keep bouncing.  If I don't look at something too long, maybe I won't see how screwed up it actually is.  Right now, I can't even fix me, let alone anything else.

I keep shifting my focus.  Luckily, it's actually sunny this morning.  That helps a lot.  I know this song & dance thing I've got going on can't last.  But, maybe it might get me through til something better actually comes along.  It'd be nice, cause this is tiresome.

Take care.

Cya...

A Dip...

 

It's a bit cooler this morning.  The temps are supposed to be lower for a bit, then back up.  Hopefully, this cool down will knock some of the energy out of the bounce back.  

I'm still waiting on some things will bills & Netflix.  They may straighten out later today.  Weekends can really bog down show time at my bank.  As for Netflix, they've been slow for the last month.   I'll be glad to rid of them.

We'll go shopping in a bit & that'll be about it for today.  Take care.

Cya...

Still Some...

 

The yicky overnight heat has returned.  It's wet & swampy.   Tonight's supposed to be cooler & then the forecast calls for more decent temps for a bit.  

AT&T seems to have processed my autopay.  I won't be able to check my bank until Monday.  But at least it seems to be working.

The last DVD still hasn't made it to Netflix.  I want this over with.  I'm ready for this to be over.  I hate feeling like that after this long, but it's their own doing.  

That's it for now.  Oh, it's still hot.

Cya...

Meh...

 

I had some small hopes.  

• That my last DVD would be back to Netflix
• That my AT&T autopay would've went through
• That August would be decent like last year

None of those things happened.  AT&T says my payment should be drafted later today.  If the DVD isn't back by Monday, I'll report it missing & close my account.  

I wanted my bill handled as stated.  I want Netflix in my rearview mirror.  It would've been nice to have a decent month in 2023.  So far, no joy.  

Take care.

Cya...

Little Steps...

 

We took a step yesterday back towards our old normal.  We went to see a movie.  It was nice to be out of the house.  We saw Meg: 2.   The movie was  what we expected.  We picked up food on the way home.  It was a good excursion.  We needed it.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

New Path...

 

This article is a little disturbing.  After decades of research, scientists have found a new way HIV enters healthy cells.  The piece goes into more detail on that.  So, it's a little disheartening.  However, they're already working on the means to block this access.   It's in clinical stages at the moment, but looks promising.  

This is science.  It's not concrete, it's dynamic.  It changes & evolves.  For better or worse, it also shows where we were wrong, incomplete or no longer accurate.  That may seem contrary.  But without that knowledge we'd proceed in error.  We'd never be able to pivot, adjust & alter our approach.  The world isn't black & white.  It's a myriad of everchanging shades.   Research has to stay current to have a chance to keep up.

Cya... 

Back To Haze...

 

Not much going on this morning.  It's hazy again.   Which is just as difficult as the dark mornings.   Haze makes the light irritating.  It'll be a bit before it burns off.   Still, I guess it's better than the dark.

Besides taking out trash & an errand, there won't be much happening today.  Take care.

Cya...

Dark & The Last...

 

It was really dark when I woke for the 3rd morning in a row.  It rained again & it's more than doubled our monthly rain average.  Last night alone had over 4".  There's bound to flooding for a bit.   This is just going to be a dark Summer, 2023 sucks.

We stuck the last Netflix DVD in the mail yesterday.  When it arrives, the account will be cancelled.  That will end a 20+ year run.  I've been involved with very little for that length of time.  Now something else is gone & there won't be anything to replace it.  I know Netflix is a company, but this was unnecessary & not an action I'll forgive.  I could never let myself do business with that company again.  I'd never trust it.

Well, that's it... it's dark & I've fairly much been dumped by a company.  I just chose to leave before the door slammed shut.

Cya...

Dark August Morning...

 

It may be cooler, but it's the darkest morning we've had in months.  It's being very hard to get around.  I have never really got passed SAD this year.  I'm dreading the upcoming months.  2023 has been such a suckfest.

We've got the rest of bills & shopping to handle.  Before that, I need to get cleaned up & I woke up late due to the lack of light.  This is it for now.

Take care.

Cya...

Goodbye Netflix...

We watched out last DVD from Netflix tonight, Cocaine Bear. I've been a member for 20+ years .   Those little red envelopes saw me through a lot.  There was also a little joy seeing the next one in the mail.  I looked at the DVD listings daily to see what to add to my queue. 

For 20+ years there was a relationship & ritual with these DVD's & Netflix.  Unfortunately now that's gone.  Just another thing that will no longer bring a smile or moment of happiness. 

I'm sure they had their reasons for ending this service, but it doesn't matter.  This decision ended a 20+ year rapport.  That's hard to let go of easily.  But on Monday, I'll mail my last red envelope back to Netflix & then it'll be over.

I'll being ending my membership with Netflix as soon as the last DVD's returned.  It was a lot of fun, there were a lot memories &  some struggles were made easier with these DVD's.  Now all that & my time with Netflix whas come to an end.  To paraphrase, "Now you're just some company that I used to love."

Those DVD's helped me through some of my roughest, early years with HIV.  There was the adjustment to the situation.  The crappy decisions of doctors & previous roommates only making things worse.  But for a bit these discs could distract me.  Those red envelopes were just as medicinal for me as my HIV meds.   Now, they're gone.  So much as what helped through those early times has vanished & that hurts.  Enjoy things while you have them.  You really never know when they'll be gone.

Too bad it had to end.

Cya..

Easiest To Read...

 

The biggest problem in curing HIV is the reservoir of the virus hidden away in the DNA of cells.   This article is about a newer approach to handling the issue.  This is a complex subject & this was the most understandable of the pieces I found.  

The approach works by modulating the activity of these cells by altering a immune response, which is usually inflammation.  By doing this, the medication  not only reduces inflammation, it also shortens the lifespan of the host cells hiding the virus.  Thus starving it out or basically siege warfare.

This was complex & there are other pieces reporting on it.   Find the article that suits you best & give it a read.  It's a novel approach.

It's hot, but supposed to cool down some today.  It might storm.  If it does, I hope it's not bad.  We don't need that on top of all of this.

Take care.

Cya...

There's A Word For This...

 

So much of the last few years can be viewed the same.  From the behavior of politicians, the courts, idiots with guns, the police...  From the actions of companies like Netflix, movie makers or nations like Russia, there's words for this.  Alleged parent's groups want a stranglehold on everything.  Lately the weather has fallen into this category & my roomie likes a word for this, "Disrespectful."

That's the problem with almost everything these days, everything is disrespectful.  Politicians & courts screw the people.  Idiots with guns & the police revel in violence then whine when they're questioned.  Companies piss on us & tell us it's needed rain.  Anti abortion groups are willing to screw HIV funding to allegedly strike down abortion & trans.  Countries around the world only thrive on destruction.

At least those things could be helped.  Most likely, they won't be, but they could be.  The weather could've been helped a decade ago.  I'm not so sure now.  Enjoy the shitty, disrespectful world we made. 

Cya...

August Bills Start...

 

It's hot & I need to get cleaned up.  There might have been an article but I didn't get to see past the paywall.  It's going to hot again today, but it's not supposed to be as hot as yesterday.  After that it's supposed to slowly cool down some.  

We need to go out in a bit & handle 1st of the month stuff.  It looks like Netflix is going to be a pain on the way out.  They've messed up a lot over the last several deliveries.  I suppose it could've been the mail.  But the mail generally only screws up every once in a while, not this frequently.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

It Got Hot...

 

It got up there yesterday, but Weather Channel keeps giving weird highs.  The highest it got yesterday that I actually saw was 99.  It said that earlier in the day it had hit 101.  But this morning, the site reported yesterday's high as 104 + heat index.  BTW, don't trust WC's heat index.  It's usually  5 - 10° higher than every other site.   

This piece is a bit light, but details some impacts of climate change on the fight against HIV.  Let's just say it isn't good news.   Give it a read, if it's an area your interested in, it may lead to other sites.

That's it for now, take care.

Cya...

Hello August...

 

August is opening hot.   Maybe the big heat will over this week.  I'd like to be hopeful, but I'm not.  This is nearing the end of the season & that worries me.  My SAD has been bad this year & you could probably put all the sunny, bright mornings of 2023 is a few weeks & those were scattered.  Even now, it's hazy.  It won't be bright until the heat burns off the haze & by then it'll be too hot to enjoy it.  2023 has been a suck pit. 

This is also the last month of my birth year.  In a month I'll be a year older.  This has not been a good year.  Then again, I haven't really had a good year in some time.   I could settle for not outright sucking if I can't get good. 

A lot of times, I feel like I was dumped on the Isle of Misfit Toys.  I think I've been there since some time in the mid 80s.  It's probably the last time I really believed things could/would get better.  

So August, I really hope you can be a decent month.  This was the only decent month of 2022.  Can we try for a repeat?

Cya...