365...

This is the 365th day of my 50th year.  Doesn't that sound like a lot?  It's also the last day of August.   This was a trying year & I'm glad to see it coming to a close.   August wasn't such a bad month & the stress that was in it, was mostly due to electric bill issues.   Still, I think 2017 will look better in the rear-view mirror. 

I woke to jays, blackbirds & crows outside my window.  Some small animal had ripped open the trash.  An easy, but annoying fix at 7 something in the morning.    We have some tiny brown birds that warble like elephants.  

I'm trying to be in better spirits for my birthday tomorrow.  I most often fail at that.  I might again.  But, it'd be nice not to.  

So long August.

Cya...

Another Trash Run...

Just another Wednesday.  Another trash run to the curb.  Yet, it's the last time I'll see either as a 50 year old.   My 1st year into my 5th decade wasn't a great time.  I know it could've been worse in some ways, but it was pretty hard on me.   Sometimes, I wish there had been a point where I could've purposely have been stricken with amnesia.   Then maybe I could've moved past some of the crap in my life, I've never been able to get away from.    It  might not have worked, but still it was a thought.

I'm looking at the crepe myrtle outside my window.  Its limbs are covered in the "locust" shells.  I know they're actually cicadas, but most people around call them locusts & "locusts" are grasshoppers.   I like the fact the crepe helped launch the insect's final stage of life.  So many things happen in that crepe myrtle outside my window.

For those of you haven't seen a cicada emerge, check this out.

Cya...

It's Coming...

My birthday is just a few days away.  It usually doesn't go so well for me.   It's at an inopportune time.  The closing of Summer & the not quite start of Fall.  Labor Day Weekend & the 1st of the month.   Not good timing, but hey at least I would've made Hogwart's deadline.

I don't have a problem with my age.  I usually don't even think about it.  My problem is that I never think of myself as the age I am.   That's 1 of the many problems kids from seriously screwed up homes face.   When something mars a child physically or otherwise, part of them always lingers with you.   Each time it happens, more versions of yourself continue to walk beside you & sound off in your head.  

No matter how old you get, that earliest version of you, will always be the 1st & final thing you hear in your head when you face life.   I occasionally hear very young versions of me, but it's mostly about the time I was between 7 - 8.  When my parents' escapades became their most violent & they finally split.   There are a few versions of angry, teenage me's.  There are those in my college years trying to survive & the 1 when university was over & I had nothing.   There are a couple of older, more fuck-it-all versions & then 1 when I was at my sickest with HIV.   But, none of them are the person I see in the mirror.   I don't really know that version well, not always sure if I care to.

When people, especially kids, experience trauma, it scars them forever.   Maybe no one else can see the marks, but we can.  It's a playlist of flashbacks to the least favorite events in your life.   Your lowest, most horrible, possibly terrifying points.

I don't care that I'm turning 51, surprised, but not upset.   It just seems like that 8 year old has been here a long time looking for something.  I doubt we'll ever find it.   I think that kid was supposed to be somewhere else by now.   Maybe some place nice.  

Cya...

A Nothing Monday...

Other than shopping, I'm not doing much.  It's a nice enough day.  I'm sitting here watching leaves fall from the crepe myrtle & some trees.   The days are getting shorter sooner this year.  The trees are yellowing & losing leaves earlier than usual.  Hopefully, our Winter won't be a horrible season.   

The seasonal change is upon us.  I know it's not due for almost a month, but it's nearly here.  I don't do well with these times.  The change of light is always hard on me.   I'm already noticing it.  The early morning anxiety has been more active lately.    Nothing much I can do about it, except turn on some lights.

That's it for now.

Cya...

Last Sunday...

This is the last Sunday of August & of my year.  By the time the next Sunday passes I'll be a year older.  At least it's a pleasant day so far.  The weather's mild & only going to get more so.  I saw the porch cat we renamed Hazel this morning & she seems to be doing well.  There isn't much left to talk about today.   I hope the rest of 2017 can wind down smoothly.  I've had my fill of drama, stress  loss.

Until tomorrow.

Cya...

Restating...

There's another dating site in the news.  It specializes in "Gay Sugar Daddies" looking healthy, younger men.   The site is trying to discourage/ban HIV+ people from being on it.  This has a lot of people screaming & boohooing.   Not me.

Let your flag fly.  Whether that be freak, bigot, picky or whatever.  I'd rather know upfront if a person is a bigot about whatever.  Or if they don't find this or that attractive or acceptable.  I like not having to wade through their crap list later.

So, they don't want to date people of color, religion or + status.  So what?  That's their right.   Stop whining & take it for the win it is.  These people are telling you what they're like from the get go.  Appreciate that & move on with your life.

Cya....

2 Articles...

I found 2 articles today.  I won't go into detail on them,  They're fairly straight forward.  The 1st article, states there is basically no hope left for those living with HIV in Venezuela.   The country has been in a horrible situation for years, both socially & economically.   People are dying due to the lack of HIV medications.  Few, if any, meds are available for them.

The 2nd article, is about how the insurer Aetna, exposed the HIV status of thousands via transparent windows in envelopes sent to patients.   Now, anyone who saw those letters may very well know their status.  Many of whom had not disclosed their situations to anyone.

This is life with HIV for some.  I'm fortunate, it's not my life.

Cya...

Some Goodish News...

OK, the electric bill fiasco seems mostly fixed.   There's still some tweaking I'd like to get done to it.  I'm not sure if that happen anytime soon or at all, but we'll see.  As it is,  I think we can live with this at least.  It really is a relief having this dealt with & not waiting for some giant expense to fall into our lives.  

That's all for now.  Frankly, it's more than enough for me today.

Cya...

Cooler...

It rained last night & the cool down has begun.  According to the forecast, there are no more 90's in the foreseeable future.   No more high temps until next year, at least that's the theory.   We'll still be in the 80's.  High humidity could make that unpleasant, but still it's not being humid in the 90's.

Cooler days lead to cooler nights, which generally means better sleep.  Good sleep is essential to my health & mood.  The better rested I am, the better I do overall.  Quality sleep is highly underrated. 

That's about it for today.  I'm just enjoying the cool weather.   More tomorrow.

Cya...

Is Fall Coming...

Is Autumn upon us?  Seems that way.  According to the forecast, this may be the last 90+ of the season & we haven't even hit 90 yet today.  We're supposed to have some storms today & the wind has leaves skittering down the street.  I could use for the season to end.  I'm ready for the whirl of fans to stop.    I want crisper nights.  

We had a bit of the eclipse here yesterday.  It darkened to a weird light, but never utterly dark.    Still, it was interesting to watch online.

The last bill of the month went out yesterday.  August is winding down.  Kids are back in school.  Fall is approaching.

Cya...

Another Monday In August...

It was another morning of shopping & minor errands.  Nothing much happened.  It was muggy.  That's about it.

There isn't much to write about today.  There might be later.   My drugs are due to arrive today.  More esoterically, we're supposed to have an eclipse today.  I don't if we'll be able to see it or not.

I'll post on it tomorrow if anything interesting happens.

Cya...

Refusal...

For a few years now, the rise of drug usage in the rural U.S. has been a matter of discussion.  It's especially prevalent in the Midwest & Southeast.   Much of the drug use is IV & there's a lot of reusing & sharing of needles.  This has been & still is driving up the transmission of HIV & other bloodborne diseases.  

Some action was being taken prior to the presidential election.  Since then, much of the activity has fizzled out.  This seems to be directly related with Washington's & most aptly, the President's, refusal to promote any kind of action other than shaming.   Even with states declaring an opioid crisis, the federal government has done little.

Conservatives are concerned with looking hard on drugs. So, they're doing nothing to help with the issue.  Their inaction is accelerating the opioid epidemic & the transmission of dangerous illnesses.  

Maybe the Republican plan is to let all "those" people die of overdoses, HIV, hepatitis, etc...

Cya...

HOT...

August woke up & remembered it was Summer time.  It got hot yesterday  will do so again today.  I'm ready for this to move on & us to get into fall temps.  It may be no less humid, but at least it won't be scorching as well.

That's about it for now.  I didn't see any articles for today,   I'll post again to morrow.

Cya...

Updates...

Almost every article I saw today that directly dealt with HIV was about PrEP or Truvada.  Finally I spotted 1 that wasn't.  This article  was a follow up on the research dealing with long lasting injections as a replacement for daily pill regimens as means to treat HIV.   It was a good read, brief but informative.   Hopefully, soon this will be available to everyone as another option for treatment.

Cya...

Third Thursday....

OK, I think the electric bill issue may finally be settled.  I hope so.  We won't know for certain until the bill comes.  There could still be issues that need tending to past this.

The day is starting out well.  It's cooler & this be the last cool morning for a bit.  It is still August after all.

August is halfway over.  Only 15 more days until my birthday.  Just that long left in my year.  Being 50 wasn't bad, but 2016 & 2017 sucked ass.   My former roomie turned 50 this year & he nearly died when he turned 30.  I bet he was completely morose & end of the world about it.  

I'm doing better today.  I'll try to keep it up.  Sorry for no articles.

Cya...

Busy Morning....

My telemedicine appointment this morning went well enough.  I had a different doctor.   I wasn't happy about that, but I can adjust if it means I don't have to drive to Tulsa.

I  came home to yard mowing.  There went my sinuses.  At least it got done before we took out trash.  

I'm still trying to get this electric bill screw-up fixed.  I went back to the payment site after talking to the company on the phone.  I've called the electric company numerous times.  Hopefully, this will be resolved soon.  

I'm spent for at least most of the day.  I'll get food & stuff, but that's about it.  I'm done til tomorrow.

Cya...

Glum...

It rain last night.  I usually sleep well during rain, but not recently.  I have a telemedicine appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm not certain what will be said or what I want to be said.

This year has been very draining.  All the loss, the sour moods & the gloom.  Even in the heat of the Summer, I rarely woke up to a morning that wasn't gloomy.  I'm spent on the gloom & definitely over the allergies.

This year has just been hard & a lot of certainties were faced.   Old cats are old & so are people.  I'm not sure how much more of all the dour & glum I can handle.  

I was better until the hospital stay.  It was a tipping point.   I'm still not feeling as well as I'd like & I was alone in that place.  That's how this is going to be for me & I guess I have to accept it.   Some day, some where, I'll be alone & then I won't be anymore.  Part of me is very angry about that.

I've done my best, to do as well by people I can.  I haven't always succeeded & some people I'm best off just avoiding some of them.  I tend to do better by animals.  At least the animals purr or the equivalent.  People, they generally just take.

I'm spent.  I'm tired of all the changing narratives & rewritten histories that seem to surround me.   People use words to get what they want & then feel they shouldn't be held to them.   We shouldn't teach children to be loyal, trustworthy or dependable, they'll likely never see it returned.

If you think this wallowing, that's your prerogative.   I don't feel that I am.  I think I'm just trying to face some things.  I'm mostly alone & few if any will ever be there to help me when I need it.  I hope when I get to that point, I'm asleep.  I don't think I have any need for last words.  Nobody would probably listen anyway.

Maybe tomorrow, I'll wake to a bright morning with birds singing.

Cya...

Shopping In The Rain...

That was my morning.  We went shopping & it was raining.  Apparently, I was pretty good at missing the intermittent showers while we were out.  

I have a telemedicine appointment Wednesday morning.  I'll find out what my doctors think about how I'm doing on my new med.  My numbers seemed good for me.  We'll say what they say soon.

That's about it for around here/

Cya...

Poor & Adherent...

I'm not looking for sympathy, but I'm poor, on disability, HIV + & adherent to my meds.   Becoming poor & + were both easy.  Getting on disability was a serious pain.  Staying adherent to my regimen  has been something I've just done.  But, I've questioned it & hated it a lot of the time.  

I see articles about poor people & not adhering to their regimen.  Most folks would think it was easy to stick to take your life saving medications.  Sometimes it isn't.

• Do you have the means to obtain your meds?
• Can you handle taking your meds?
• Do you have food to eat so you can take your meds?
• Do you have a place to store your meds safely?
• Are you fit enough to remember to take them?

There are all good points, but there are 2 others I can think of that are more challenging.  Do you feel you're worth taking the meds?   Do you feel your life is worth extending by taking the meds?  

Some people wonder if they're worth taking these meds.  Maybe they feel they did something awful  & deserve to die.  Some question, if they should endure the meds & everything else just to keep living a life they're not sure is worth living.

Being poor is difficult.  It comes with a ton of baggage that effects you just become you happen to be less affluent.  People hate to admit it, but most of the world hates the poor.  They especially despise those who happen to also be sick, ethnic, female, or some other marginalizing factor.  

Everyday, poor people  living with HIV have to ask themselves, can I get these meds?  Even if I can,  should I take them?  Is it worth it?  Those aren't easy questions & the answers may change by the hour.  If you ever wonder why some people don't adhere to their HIV regimens, this is just the tip of the issue.

Cya...

Still Sore...

At least my graphics are back. 

I'm still sore from yesterday.  I didn't wake up in pain like I did yesterday, but I still feel it.  The weather is still hellish & looks to stay that way for a while.  My feet, legs & lower back are twitchy & sore from all this humidity.  It makes sitting difficult.  I can't get comfortable.

There's not much i can do about this.  Even with the AC running full blast, it wouldn't undo this much humidity.   Maybe it'll rain soon.  

Cya...

Way Too Much Wet...

I'm not sure why blogger isn't letting access my graphics at the moment, but OK.

It's way too wet here.  It has been for weeks.  We've had high humidity levels into the upper 90% range by 8 PM.    65% or higher has been the norm for the afternoons.  It's killing my body.  My legs & feet have felt awful for quite a while.  The weather's been really messing with my breathing & sleep.

It was supposed to rain a lot last night & this morning.  It didn't rain much at all.  It just made it gloomy & more humid.   I woke up to some surprising levels of back pain.  It took over an hour & some ibuprofen to make it tolerable.

I hope some serious rain comes soon or it dries out.  I really need it to do something.  This has been pretty awful lately.

Cya...

Another Muggy Thursday...

Nothing much going on here today.  We had to go shopping a day early.  Someone else's lack of planning screwed with our schedule.   

It's supposed to be warm here today.  It's already sticky.  After this, it looks like serious rain chances for the rest of the week.  August is catch-22.  If it's hot & awful, the grass dies.  It it cools down, the grass & bugs linger forever.  Neither is a good choice.

That's all for now.  

Cya...

Follow Up...

After reading yesterday's post over there being few if any actual science-based articles from the U.S. lately, my roomie had a question.  She wondered why I didn't talk about why other parts of the world were still posting actual HIV research articles & we weren't.  

I can't easily find an empirical piece over this, but there's been a lot of conjecture.  Why aren't there more U.S, HIV articles, that's easy, conservatives.  These republicans are so bible-thumping, anti-science & hateful that empirical articles on the matter have all but ceased in the U.S.   These people are only interested in their own world view & ridiculous thoughts.  This isn't limited to HIV either, look at trade matters, climate issues, police violence, etc...

In parts of the world where articles & research monies are based on science & not ideological lunacy, HIV research articles continue unfettered.    As do pieces on world issues such as climate change. What happened to all the articles from the U.S.?   Those people calling themselves christians, republicans, conservative, etc,,, killed them. 

BTW, I'm aware some feel words like christian, republican & bible should be capitalized.  I chose not to give something credence or respect that gives me none in return.  When these people come to their senses & can be less hateful, maybe we'll have more than shame & stigma articles concerning HIV again.  

Cya...

Articlesque...

I noticed something today while looking for articles over HIV.   If I looked just at HIV in a non-scholarly sense, I found a lot of pieces from the U.S.    Those mainly dealt with people being prosecuted for failing to notify their partners of their HIV status.  

When I looked for the more scholarly articles, I found none concerning the U.S. directly.   Most of these dealt with medications & distribution in other parts of the world.   They dealt with actual issues concerning HIV, it's treatment & research.

I thought the U.S. was supposed to be so cutting edge in this area.  I guess not.  We're just the Jerry Springer Show.

Cya...

Vending Machine....

According to this article, the UK's 1st HIV test vending machine is at a gay sauna in  Brighton.   The testing center is 24 hour & there is no charge.   Amazing.  The test result are back in minutes & then things can proceed as they need to for the individual.

This is weird & wonderful.  I'm happy it's there.  Especially, since elsewhere those tests cost $50+.   I hope people will use them & get on with their lives.

Cya...

Another Sunday...

I woke up to a lot of rain & thunder.  We've got fair amount of rain this morning.   It's really  pleasant & we're still in the 70's.  Unfortunately, a neighbor's tree split.  Luckily, it didn't seem to hit anything as it fell.   It was an older tree, so it probably didn't take much to break it.

Other than that, there isn't much going on around here.  It was nice to wake up to nice weather.    We  don't have much planned for this week.  Mostly just finishing off beginning of the month stuff.  

I'll try to write more tomorrow.  Take care & have a great day.

Cya...

Meh...

It's warming back up today.  Yuck.  There aren't any articles I want to cover.   The day is just meh.  It's not good or bad.  It's just blah.   Nothing to gripe about & nothing to praise.  

I guess this is going to be a short post.  I just don't really have anything to say.  Maybe tomorrow.

Stay safe.

Cya...

Missing Pieces...

Over the past month, 2 pieces have been removed from the route I take most often through town.   There's a little home with an over sized carport & wheel-chair ramp. A man that used a electric scooter lived there.  He was older & always wore a straw cowboy hat.  1 day, a for sale sign was in the yard & he was no longer there waving at us as we drove by.

There's a little green house down the road from us.   It's a little run down & an older man always sat on the porch petting his cats.  He had a way for them to get in & out of the house.  He was almost always there with his cats & kittens.  A couple of weeks ago, I noticed he had a walker & was looking back at the home.  A few days ago, there were trucks there cutting down overgrown shrubs & hauling his belongings away.    I don't know what happened to him or the cats. 

My trip to the mailbox or the store is starker than it was 2 months back.  I didn't know these men, but they made the trip more interesting & lighter.  Now they're gone & there's nothing more to be said.  That part of my trip is empty now.   I wonder when it happens to us, will people even notice we're no longer there?

Cya...

Countdown...

I'm on a countdown.  There's less than  a month until my birthday.  I'll be leaving 50 behind.  What did I learn in the last year?  I experienced a truly sucktastic year.  As usual, there was not much happening around my birthday, so we put off doing anything.  Then the damn gas lines had to fixed, which caused a money crunch.  Then that orange bastard got elected.  A gloomy Winter set in.  Then the orange bastard was sworn in to office.  Then our cats started dying off.  I got hospitalized.  There were fleas.  There still is too much grass.  The humidity has been awful.  Allergies have never not been a thing.  Now, the electric bill issue.  

On top of all of that, the 2016 - 17 television season was 1 of the worse I can remember.  It wasn't just on a station either, it was nearly all of them.  So, there wasn't even good TV for diversion.  

What did I learn in this year?   50 is just a number.  But 2016 & 2017 both suck & are still sucking major ass!  Next year needs to be way better.  If not, make like the song & stop the world, I want off.  I didn't even get decent fish.

Cya...

Gloomy Day In August...

I woke up to another overcast day.  It's being a cool August so far.  I appreciate the lower temps, but the grey skies are rough on me.  I never do well with dreary weather.  I was already nerved out & these gloomy skies didn't help matters.   I hate to gripe, because I do like it being cooler.

I seem very out of touch with everything right now.  I feel like I'm sort of walking somewhere else than in the room I'm crossing.  I'm not relating to things well right now.   I look at myself sometimes & wonder who the hell are you?  I don't really know the answer sometimes.

Just trying to do this post today is taking a lot more concentration than I seem to be able to muster.  I couldn't find any articles & I really didn't want to moan & groan more.  Maybe that's what I have left.  I hope not.

I'll try to be in better spirits tomorrow.

Cya...

August 1st...

It's the 1st August & it's raining.  Not heavy, but enough to cool us down some.  It's actually nice for the moment.  Things happening today.

• A mockingbird has decreed I'm good for squawking at via the window
• The electric bill mess-up is still ongoing
• My car insurance got their payment
• I had blood drawn for my telemedicine appointment in 2 weeks
• I got some iffy doughnuts on the way home
• I took a shower

That's about it for today. BTW, Hello August.

Cya...