Its not a good morning. It hasn't been in a long time. I'm not really seeing a change in that any time soon. A lot of times, changes come when you make them. I'm not sure how to do that anymore.
I'm stuck in a state of despising where I'm at. I can't stand this town or this house. My roomie tells me all the upsides to this house. I really don't care. I know I could be a lot worse off, I do. But, I'm the person trying to deal with the shittiness of this place everyday when I'm just trying to cook or clean. The only way to fix this hole is with a bulldozer.
My roomie is trying to alter her perspective on things in her life. Good for her, maybe it'll even work. But she doesn't interact with things here as much as I do. I'm tired of this mess. I'm tired of going to bed frustrated & waking up to it all over again.
I'm tired of fighting with this place. I'm tired of dealing with the older cats' issues. I hate being in a place where I only know 1 person to any serious degree of depth or comfort. I've tried in this town, it hasn't worked in this many years, it probably never will.
This house was supposed to be temporary. We moved in 2009, we were only supposed to be here 5 years. I doubt she even remembers telling me that. She has a tendency to tell me things like that, then letting them slip her mind. Last year was 5 years, but that was a really bad year. This is year 6 & there's no real sign of ever getting out of here.
I let myself believe there was a plan, because having a plan makes it easier for me. Its time for me to face the face the facts. There wasn't a plan, there was only a pipe dream. It seems even that is changing for my roomie.
Something new came into the picture & now her perspective on the situation is altered. Not in a way benefiting my interests. Its time to face up to things. I'm most likely never getting out of this hell hole town. Even if I do, it'll probably be a downward move into something worse.
Its times like these that makes it really difficult to justify continuing to take my meds. I mostly hate my current life. I'm not sure how to change it anymore. With any luck, I won't live to be that old.
I realize, this sounds like depression. Maybe it is, but its also reality. I've nearly posted this type of an entry a dozen times before. I've talked myself out of it. But this is part of being +. You get stranded in situations, you might not be able to get out of, sort of like getting stuck in tar.
This is it. I have no plans. I don't even have pipe dreams anymore. This is the place I will most likely die. Its on days like these, I really wish I'd never gotten tested. That I'd just let things go their course. It would've been easier, than pretending I'm holding it together & I've got a plan, Instead, I'm here living like a reject, Armistead Maupin character stuck on the Island of Misfit Toys.
This just sucks & there seems to be little positive I can do about it. I'm not even sure if I want to. Sorry for the downer trip.
Cya...
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