Waiting For The Right One...

I bought a new-to-me monitor today.  I'd be looking to get this 19" widescreen from WalMart, but as usual anything I plan to buy from that place disappears never to be seen again.  I kept hunting for a similar model at near the price & had no luck whatsoever.  I decided to let go of my search for a while & hoped Wally World would restock.  Nope.

I didn't need or want a bigger monitor.  I didn't need another small HDTV that also acted as a monitor.  I just needed something small & nothing was cooperating.  So I went back into shopper mode.  I may not have a lot of talents in this world, but I am a good shopper.

There are rules to shopping.

1. Do not unless absolutely necessary or you find the best sale ever, buy anything on impulse.  (Even then you'll probably regret it.)
2. Research, Research, Research.  Know absolutely everything about the item you wish to purchase.  What are the options?  What are prices ranges?  What's shipping going to cost? Etc...
3. Debate whether this is a must-have item or just an I-want item.  The must-have item will always be given precedence. 
4. Use every tool you can to find the item in question;  local stores, Ebay, Craigs List, garage sales, newpapers, everything & anything.  
5. Keep your eyes open, you never what will pop up.
6. Do you need it new or will used or refurbished suffice?
7. Be patient, if it is to be found, it will be found.

I was following my rules to find this monitor.  I waited for it to return to Walmart, didn't happen.  I searched online, found nada worth having for the price & shipping.  I knew my product, I've had a lot of monitors.  It was an item I needed, but it hadn't worked it's way into must-have priority yet, so I waited.  Finally, when going to get the mail at one of those private mail box places, there it was.

I didn't even see it, my roommate had to point it out to me, repeatedly (early morning zombie stares must have still been in operational mode).  The man who owns the business had decided to replace this one 17" flat monitor because it was grey & simply didn't fit in with his other newer, black monitors. Yes, I snark.  The old grey monitor was exactly the same as the newer black model he'd purchased, but it wasn't matchy-matchy with every other monitor in the place. 

So I found a new-to-me monitor at a good price because someone was really into the aesthetics of black.  I am thankful for some peoples' relentless need to color coordinate. Now, i have the monitor I was looking for, on to the next hunt.

Back To The Bug...

Woke up today feeling a little bit like a piece of dehydrated fruit, no pun intended.  The weather has been shifting widely here lately.  Yesterday it got up to 78 F & by Wednesday our high might reach 25 F.  Two things about HIV that most doctors will never tell you.; 1)  Everything in your environment can & most likely will affect the way you feel & 2) HIV will magnify almost any pre-existing conditions you may have had like allergies, IBS, body aches, etc...


What can you do about it?  Almost nothing.  The best you can do is to control your environment as much as possible & often that isn't much at all.  Every environmental factor can alter how you feel; temperature, humidity, allergens, light levels & so on.  Many of the meds you take can make you more sensitive to light & temperature.  


Now on to the actual living with this mess.  

1. Recognize what is your "normal" for any given situation; temperature, light reaction, allergies..
2. Know your meds & your reactions to them.
3. Do your best to stay in a level environment; temperature, humidity, light...
4. Wear a hat & sunglasses outside, do your best to block direct, intense light exposure.
5. This may be the most important one, stay hydrated.
6. Have a good relationship with your pharmacist, he'll known more about your meds than anyone.
7. Remember you're sick & you won't always feel well, but it usually will pass.
8. Other ongoing illnesses must be dealt with, they & HIV can aggravate each other.
9. If symptoms don't pass or move into pain, high fever or other oddness call your doctor.
10. If something feels wrong & no one listen, keep talking & pushing until someone does.

There are things you can do, like check you meds  & symptoms on the web.  You can get some good info that way.  But remember you can also get a lot of crap info off the web.  Above all else, do not work yourself into a frenzy over this.  Going crazy will not help you or your health.


Having HIV is not easy, pretty or even civil.  It's up to you to manage your disease as best you can., no one else will do it for you.  You have to keep on top of your meds, your stress levels, your environment, well damn near everything.  It can be frustrating, even exasperating.  


I don't always write about HIV in every entry, but believe me , it is having an effect on how & what I write about.  Do I have the attention span to with it today to write something relevant or witty?  Will I just write something to write something?  I get very sick of my life being about HIV, but it is about HIV, my meds, my well-being, my doctor appointments, my trips to the lab & so on. Once you have HIV, it is your life, just accept it & try to make the best of it.  I'm sure having diabetes is no different.  So let's just suck it up & hopefully tomorrow we'll feel better.  I better, I have to go shopping.

Knowing When To Quit...

All good things must come to an end, but apparently horrible crap go on from here to infinity.  I know I paraphrased & slaughtered a toy's quote but, oh well.  Lately I have been watching less & less TV.  It's not that I believe the only good TV was made when I was a kid.  There were some great shows then, before & recently.  The problem is that most of the people have no idea how to write a story.


Stories, unless they're merely vignettes or slice of life blips, have a beginning, middle & end, not always in that order.  The writers of today's television are great at beginnings, beginnings are easy, but only so-so at middles & most often horrible at endings.  The ending is the most important part! Without an ending the story loses its importance, its validation. 


To avoid The End writers often turn to crappy plots device.  Hey, let's rehash what we did episode five from season eight, they'll never notice we've done it before.  Hey let's bring in a cousin Oliver.  Why not jump a shark?  Oh to hell with it, we'll do it all & just to be clever we won't just redo it once or twice,we'll redo each previous episode five times.  How do you think The Simpsons has be around for nineteen crappy seasons & one terrible movie?  Yes, I'm aware there are twenty-two seasons of the show, but the first three were pretty good, after that it should've ended. 


Now were facing the same thing with Smallville & Supernatural, more with Smallville.  They brought back the passive-aggressive Clark & his crew for a tenth season.  Mind you by now, most of the original cast has been killed off or had the sense to get the hell off the sinking boat of a show.  In the beginning, they made new ventures into Superman, they breathed new life into old characters & created new ones.  Chloe Sullivan is one of the few characters developed by outside materials to go into comic canon other than Harley Quinn.  These writers even made me like Bo Duke, John Schneider.  But still they prattle on with horrible storylines & have betrayed the very show they created by not drawing it to a conclusion before it began to rot.  Now it's just zombie Smallville.

Supernatural, the Buffy wanna be show, wasn't bad in the beginning.  But now it has totally jumped the shark. Now shark jumping, done in the right way can be great.  Joss Whedon can do it, Sam Raimi can do it, Bruce Campbell built an entire career around the jaws jump.  But you have to have much better writers, directors & actors to pull off shows like the infamously well received shark jumpers & Supernatural just doesn't have the right combination to pull it off.


As much as I have liked these shows & others, when it's time, it's time.  Let the show fade into the snowy backdrop of off-air TV in peace & dignity.

Seeing for yourself..

We often follow the cues of others, sometimes consciously & others without intent. Our opinions can be shaped by outside sources in such ways that we are often not even aware its happening. Thus, the profession known as advertising & spin doctoring arose. The problem for us is that these forces in our lives are often so good at what they do, we don't even realize it is happening.  We never consider that these influences may be wrong or at least not right for us.  Everyday we face product merchandising, political manipulating & countless rumors.  They run from the absurd to matters of the utmost import.


I'll stick to something a bit trivial, movies.  




I read that the redo of the movie The Wolfman was horrible.  Rottentomatoes.com only gave the movie a score of 33% of a 100.  No one's review of this movie was that kind.   I decided to watch the DVD & see for myself.


Was it a great film?  No.  But it wasn't a bad one either.  The problem here is plain & simple.  The Wolfman of 2010 was not, I repeat was not, a werewolf movie.  Yes, there was a werewolf.  Yes, there was much snarling & snapping to be had, but still it wasn't a werewolf movie.


This movie had more in common with TSR or Hasbro's Ravenloft or even Dark Shadows.  This movie was about corruption.  The corruption of the father, a man who lead a life of riches & excess.  A man who tainted all those around him.  This film was a period piece about 1880's England.  This film was about a dysfunctional family.  Finally, there just happened to be lycanthropy in the plot line.


This movie was as much about werewolves as the dystopian futurist movie, Daybreakers was about vampires.



These two movies only involved monsters as a vehicle for the true motivation of the films, corruption.  Both of them were set in times removed enough that we could allow ourselves to believe it possible that people would behave in these manners.   Both brought forth parts of humanity that we prefer to leave in the dark recesses, the werewolf with its bestial nature & the vampire for its calculating coldness.  


But the monsters were just plot devices & nothing more.  The fact a character is turned into a werewolf is almost not worth mentioning when you find out all the horrors he has already faced before his transformation.  Both movies end in the way that all good moral narratives must end, evil consumes itself & the virtuous prevail. 


If I had listened to all the negative reviews  about  The Wolfman, I would never have watched a reasonably good movie.  When it comes to what you watch, read or most importantly, what you believe, take the time to see for yourself.   Do I like this?  Is there anything good about it?  Do I believe in this?  The answers might surprise you.

Click, Click, Click...

This is an awful noise.  It's what started my day.  I've said before Virgos do not like surprises.  This was not supposed to be happening. I had plans & things to do.   This car was being just play rude.  How dare it not start.   I had to get my roommate to comeback & jump the car so I could get it to the mechanic.  Luckily my mechanics (who btw are wonderful, if they had a page I'd post it, if you're from eastern OK you may have heard of them, JNB Tire), replaced the battery.  


The jerks who sold my roommate this vehicle had placed a battery barely large enough to power a vibrator made for a little person in this huge van.  It was tiny, half the size of the one that replaced it.  I hate dealing with cars, it is one of many areas I'm unfamiliar with & often can't find the info I need to get a grasp on the situation.  However, even I could tell that the battery in this van was too small.


There are people in this world I do not like & avoid if at all possible; door-to-door solicitors, door-knocking Bible thumpers & above all else car salesmen.  Car salesmen are the devil's toe jam, they are too slimy to even be considered his feces. I have yet to meet one who wasn't trying to play some sort of shell game on anyone who came to near.  


I lucked out though, my roommate wasn't too far off & all the van needed was a new battery.  It could've been a lot worse.

Picking Things A Part...

I'm the only one I personally know that really likes this song.  My roommate & I talked a little about it this morning.  Mostly I've heard it labelled, a light weight pop song with no musical merit.  Maybe that's true.  It is a light weight pop song, but I don't think it's without merit.


The whole point of the song is looking at one thing the two characters in the song share.  I find great worth in that. Watch any news program today & all you'll see is people & groups trying to segregate themselves from other people & groups.  They'll say that those people are this or that, while we are not.  We are better & most importantly, we are RIGHT!  To think this long after the formation of a nation that was supposed to be based on individuality we're still fighting to force others to conform & if they don't we ostracize them or worse.  We send out men dressed in white sheets, pro-lifers with shotguns or worse yet those criminals that attacked Matthew Shepard.  What wonderful sneetches we'd make.





It's easy to sit back & tear into all those things that separate us from others.  It takes effort to actually look & see what we all share.  I am male.  I Am living In Oklahoma.  I am Gay.  I am HIV +.   I'm not that political.  I love music.  I like action films.   I live with a roommate.  I have pets.  I could go on, but I hope I've made my point.  Surely with all those things & the things I didn't list I can find some bit of common ground with any one you.   If all those I listed fail, then try this one, I am a living, breathing, human being.


Remember Shylock's oration from Shakespeare's  The Merchant of Venice.  We all know the speech, "If you prick us, do we not bleed?"  After millennia the human race is still fighting over things that really don't matter; race color, beliefs or whatever else is the cause to hunt witches this week.  It would seem that we could come together & just be everyday people like the song says.

Yak Yak Yak

My NCIS & NCIS LA will meet fowl fates tonight.  They shall be PREEMPTED.   Why you ask, because this man feels the need to talk, yet again on national TV.

I know it's the State of the Dysfunctional Union speech, but please.  Do we really have to let this man talk for another couple of hours, accompanied by a pre & post shows?  What is this, the Super Bowl? (Not that I'm going to watch that either)

I was convinced that Mr. Bush was going to be our all time most talkative president.  I was wrong.  At least with Bush there was always this slight bit of amusement of watching him look confused as he across some big word or foreign concept/word his writers had put in his speech.  You could enjoy the face palms of his family & staff as he verbally stepped right in the middle of a steaming mess. You just can't do that with Obama.

No, Obama likes to talk, a lot!  He should've been a salesmen, not a president. Some say the rapport is good for the nation.  I say there isn't any rapport.  For that to be, there have to be a real interactive conversation between all parties & there just isn't.  This is one man prattling on.  He's like a magician pointing here & there, doing sleight of hand so no one will notice the wires, smoke or mirrors.

I am not Republican or Democrat.  I think both parties have outlived their usefulness. I feel that all this continuous political rambling does is rile people up, build false hopes & make me miss my shows.  Enough with the talk, just get to it & show us what you can actually do, not what you can talk about ad nauseum.  I'm tired of hearing the hate speech, the holier than thou rants & pathetic sales pitches.  Do something  or go home, stop all the BS.  Stop paying homage to Herb Tarlek.

Average Day

Nothing stood out today.  I almost didn't write.  Maybe days like this are the ones that really do need writing about.  It was just a get things done day; went shopping, did laundry, dishes & the like.  No biggie.  These are the days we should probably celebrate the most, no highs, no lows. 

I could be Oprah & have to find out that I have 50 plus year old half-sister I never knew existed. ( * )  I could be Bret Michaels, (Heaven forbid) & be headed to heart surgery.   Even worse I could be Jack LaLanne or Paul Percerni & just be dead.

Everyday there is weirdness in the news about some idiot(s) doing some idiotic thing or another.  There is always someone out there willing to ruin it for all of us.  They crave attention, they're spoiled or they're just play crazy &/or mean.

On nothing days like this one, maybe we should be happy that it is a nothing day.  That no one is there making our day turn out for the worse.  Maybe sometimes is nothing is better than something.

He's back...

Outside our window is a gathering of bare tree limbs, standing stark against the winter sky.  All is muted, miserable & grey except for one small blip of red.  My roommate & I call him the Schindler's List Bird.  He's a quite a little blaze of color during this time of the year.  Through the year we have many birds that visit; tit-mice, finch, jays, hummingbirds & those horrible mockingbirds, but none are as prominent in the sky as the little cardinal.

Some legends say he used to be a little brown bird that got his color for helping wolf.  Others believe him a sign of renewal or piece.  When I see his scarlet body shoot across the grey sky diving between leaf-bare branches everything feels a little better, a little less dreary.  If the drab sky is some sort of grim canvas, then the redbird is a vigorous exclamation of , " I am here!"

People often look to God(s), the heavens or countless other harbingers for a sign.  Signs are around us all the time, if you just open your eyes.  Mr. Red here is a sign, a portent that things will be better, that spring is near & for now we have his beauty with which to be dazzled.

Get out there & watch him as his as they race through the winter skies.  Be joyful, grateful & maybe think about tossing out some bird feed (Consider it the cover charge for a great show).  Let the little red guys move your heart & who knows what will come out of it.  Maybe something like this...

or this...

Little Things, Take Two...

I started today with a cup of tea & petting a cat.  With no signs of unwanted cat offerings, I smiled.  It is the little things that start the morning off right.  

It's funny that something that some people see as fussy as a cup of tea, or simple as the warmth of a cat's fur or niceness of their not leaving any unwanted deposits (from either end) can make your day start off smother.  Three little things helped my day start off well, so the rest of the day see's me in a better mood.

What are you're little things?  What can point your day one way or another?  Is there anything you can do to influence which way the wind blows on the matter?  That first bit of waking time is important.  It sets the stage.  If you go out into the world in a better personal place, then you'll probably do better that day.  I'm not really into Norman Vincent Peale's thing on the Power of Positive Thinking.  But, not carrying the weight of a pissy morning with you can't hurt how you day goes.

Do as Schultz tells you & celebrate the little things.  The problem here for many people is that it means paying enough attention to figure out what the little things are in your life making it better or worse.  What makes you smile? What makes you cringe?  Figure it out.  Celebrate what causes you to smirk or lightly grin even more than what makes burst out into laughter.  Remember that the things that frustrate you or annoy you should be given as much caution as those things that outright hurt you.

This is a war of attrition, it will not be outright won by any one means or another.  It is a day in, day out maneuver. The little things in your life need recognition & tending like a plant or child or they may wilt away.  The negative things demand vigilant weeding or they may take over that beautifully manicured thing you call your life. Just remember that the biggest tree came from a tiny seed.  

Black Or White...

I'm a pretty avid believer in the shades of grey in almost in any situation.  However, sometimes you either or you're not, it's on or off, right or left or you are are not pregnant.  It seems these are the places where people most like to debate.


POZ  just covered a study by Oregon State University, Monogamy.  "40 percent of heterosexual couples ages 18 to 25 who discussed monogamy, one partner said the couple agreed to be sexually exclusive while the other partner said there was no such agreement."  Either you had an agreement or you didn't or someone is just lying or being delusional about the relationship.  


The study, "Also found that among couples in which both partners agreed to monogamy, nearly 30 percent had sex with at least one partner outside of the relationship."   One out of three people can't commit to a monogamous relationship or just can't grasp the concept.


Monogamy  is not a difficult concept to understand.  So what's going on here; empty promises, assumptions or the end of an archaic concept?  I'm not trying to say you should or should not be monogamous.  I don't really care that much about your sex life.  What I am saying is that with this info out there, it is beyond time to wake up & smell the proverbial coffee.


If you are having sex with ANYONE , then you need to use a condom.  Even Cookie can do it

Don't give me that, but I trust him/her BS.  How is that going to help you when you get your HIV test back & it is +?  There is no such thing as safe sex, only safer.  Your choices are try to play safe or don't be surprised when you get your...

At least red pretty much goes with anything.

Across The Universe

I went out this morning to give the outdoor cats some food.  It had been raining and was beginning to snow.  The white was just covering the ground and the roads were probably fairly slick.  I heard the garbage men coming.  I couldn't help be thankful it wasn't me out there in that cold, slick mess.  Before I walked in I looked into the grey morning & lightly said, "watch over them , keep them safe."  I was talking as much about the cats as the men retrieving the piles of refuse.  If anyone had heard this they'd had thought I was praying.  I suppose I was, just really not to God or not one most people perceive as I do.

I'm not special. GOD doesn't speak to me via visions, signs or even text messages.  I just don't buy the world's consensus on the GOD phenomenon.  Do I believe in a god?  Yes, just not the one from the Abrahamic religions;  like Judaism, Christianity or Islam.

What is God?  Better question, what isn't?   I believe that God is the universe & the universe is God.  I believe that every little thing is divine & natural, because they are the same thing.  I do not believe in the supernatural.  Not because I don't believe in ghosts, magicks or faeries, but because I believe if they exist then they are an aspect of nature we simply have yet to understand.  It is not possible for something to completely unnatural.  It can be processed like Velveeta Cheese or utterly man-made like Retrovir, but it is still natural.  Man can not create anything out of nothing.  All the components came from nature, they may be altered, processed or even unrecognizable, but it is still man-made & man is natural.

So where did God come from.  I don't know, I wasn't there. How is that even relevant?  Perhaps the Big Bang was God's birth.  God may have been there before or not, I don't know & it isn't something I feel the need to spend my time pondering on, there are physicists & spiritualists for those concerns.

If I have to label myself, I guess I'm a Pantheist.  What in the world is a pantheist? (Check out the link).  I believe the natural is indistinguishable from the divine and vice versa.  The little prayer I said  for the cats & garbage men was to the universe.  Be thankful for those things around you.  Remember those things are just as relevant as you are, so show some respect, even reverence. A concept I have trouble with myself.  Say your prayers to whatever.  Whether they're words to the winds, fruits left at crossroads, milk & eggs left for the little folk or whatever.  Just be thankful any of this was here it all, considering this all could just be some cosmic fluke.

I couldn't write this without a link to the Beatles Across The Universe.

Be thankful, be respectful, smell the roses, take the proverbial road less followed... Just freaking live a little bit already & don't be the Man Who Sold The World.



Yes, I know David Bowie did it first, but I like this version better.

The Romance is Over, Two Years, No Toaster

Whether you know this grave marker or this one...

The Poe Toaster has failed to show two years in a row.  From 50 years past his death until the 200th anniversary of his birth he was toasted with three red roses and a half bottle of Martell cognac.  If  you're a follower of this romantic tale then you know that the toast was left at the grave marker pictured above. Theories abound about the toaster(s), but we have no true answers & hopefully we never will.  


We need some mystery, something that can make us awe & wonder.   We need something to look forward to in life.  It is sad that the toaster ended, but it would've been a tragedy if it had been continued by someone whose heart only longed for attention & legend. The toaster had his/her run.


This toaster isn't the only one of his kind see Rudolph Valentino's "Woman in Black" or the Norwich Visitor.  Tributes paid those humble enough not to need their names known.  Adoration or respect given to those these people felt deserved recognition, praise or perhaps sympathy.


Raise a glass, leave some roses or light a candle for these toasters, these people who celebrated the lives of others & hope the mysteries they've left us won't be forgotten.  Here's to the toasters...

Happy Birthday Mister Poe...

Trying, Sometimes It's The Hardest Thing To Do

I dabble with a lot of things; fixing faucets, taking out overgrown shrubs & concocting my own recipes.  I do most of this out of necessity.  I don't have the $ to pay someone else to do it.  I'm never fond of the process to begin with, there's all that uncertainty.  Can I do this?  How much worse will I make the situation? Eventually, I usually concede & at least try.  It's not always pretty, but I did put forth an effort.

Most of what I dabble with, other people know how to do.  Usually their parents taught them how.  I did not have the luxury of parents willing to teach me anything, with he exception of drinking. I have had to go through almost everything most people take for granted & try to do it by trial & error.  There are more often errors than successes, but eventually I get to something that works for me.  Then one day someone walks up & does it the right way &  I have V8 moment & face-palm myself.  The way they did it made so much sense, it was so much easier, but I never knew how to do it, until that moment.

Past that, I've had to learn to adjust somethings to my life.  Like realizing I don't have to do all the dishes, laundry or other cleaning at once.  It's OK, if I can only mow a bit of the yard at a time.   It will still get done.  I don't have to do any of my household chores on anyone else's schedule other than my own.  I can take all day Sunday and cook tons of stuff up in case I don't feel up to cooking later in the week.  I can clean one part of the kitchen a day and keep it fairly clean.  This is my house & my life & I will learn to do it my way and accept it as being OK.

I do dabble with recipes.  Dabbling with recipes is a process of evolution.  It takes time.  I've told a few people online about my recipes, but not until today did I post them.  Today I posted four of my recipes on Allrecipes.com.  I'll have to wait to see if they accept them for general viewing.  If they do I'll post the links.  Until now I never did it, I didn't want the recipes to be rejected.  Finally I accepted the worse thing they could  do was to say "No" & that there were other sites to submit to if they did reject my submissions.  Most of all I had to realize they would be rejecting my recipes, not me.

Go ahead try, try something.  So what if you fail.  You just might enjoy it and learn something along the way.

MLK Day & Other US Federal Holidays...

Today is the BD of MLK.  I'm not so sure where I stand on this holiday.  He was a noted enough individual, but how is he more worthy than other people who stood up for civil liberties?  I'm not going into or asking for a history lesson on the 1960's civil rights movement. What I'm saying is that there were others just as devoted and worthy.  Why not call this Liberty Day or the Day of Dreams?  That way it would include all those peoples who have had to struggle for their rights; African Americans, Women, Native Americans, Gays & so on...

There are other federal holidays I have issues with as well.  Washington's Birthday vs. President's Day.  I opt for President's Day, It's more inclusive.  I have no real problem with Memorial Day except for everyone says it's a day for Veterans and not all the other living-challenged people.  I mean the Vets already have Veterans' Day.

Independence Day is fine, but maybe it should be know as the
SUPER - BIG - HAPPY - SPARKLY - GO - BOOM - BBQ - HAMBURGER - & - HOTDOG - DAY.  Most of us probably think more about the picnics & fireworks, than the Revolutionary War or our independence.  I have no problems with Labor Day, other than the fact it always screwed up my own birthday when I was in school.  I'm pretty much fine with Thanksgiving & Veterans day, except for the whole Native American thing & the fact apparently Vet's already have a holiday called Memorial Day.

I'm aware I skipped Submuloc.  As a person of Native American descent, no more how little, I find the fact we celebrate the beginning of the end of the aboriginal peoples of America to be is bad taste.  As a history buff, I'm offended, like Columbus was the first to discover the new world. Name it Finders Day, Drunk Vikings Landed Here Day or hell even the Grand Reopening For All The Europeans Who Are Just Now Getting Here Day, but not Columbus Day.

I have a problem with Christmas as well.  Not of a religious nature, not even of a commercial one in this instance.  I have a problem with the Federal Calendar including Christmas as a holiday due to the fact it fails to represent other religious or seasonal celebrations during this time; Hanukkah, Ashura, Kwanzaa, Yule, Solstice, Saturnalia or whatever else I'm not thinking of at this moment. Why not think of it as the Winter Holiday, a time when many faiths and beliefs have special days and noting the solstice is here.

I'm still not sure what I think of MLK Day.  I'm not sure it means anything more to most people than just another reason to take a holiday, not be able to go to the bank or get mail.  Maybe for some this day has value & meaning.   For those people I say, "Happy Martin Luther King Jr.'s Birthday."

Undoing The Frazzle...

This was me yesterday morning.  I sent myself into a tailspin & nearly crashed.  I was already prone sleep issues & nerves before HIV.   Add the stress of the illness & fact many of my my meds can put you on edge, it's amazing I don't stay in frantic mode 24/7.

I let myself start worrying about the future & something I figured out I could do for myself.   The van's dash lights went on the fritz & I figured knowing my luck, there goes the electrical.  Luck, oh yes Virgos believe in luck, freakin' unpredictable bad luck BS.  I found a Q&A on Answers.com that dealt with my exact issue.  Still, I let myself freak out on whether or not I could do it.  All I had to do was undo the battery cables and reconnect them, but some how I convinced myself in the morning, either it wasn't going to work or I'd damage the van worse than it already was.

About 8AM, I got the nerve to try it.   It worked, OM Freakin' G it worked.  I didn't make the van explode, the fabric of the universe didn't rip to shreds & toss us all into a pit of chaos.  I'm did a cautious, yet happy dance...

One must be careful with Happy Dances or else the Universe may decide you've got it too easy & slap you down. So do it, be thankful & love the moment, but realize it's just one of the day's many hurdles.

The problem here is that I let myself spin out of control, again.  I didn't try to the solution right in front of me & no I don't have a good reason why.  The biggest problem for me is just getting myself to focus and at least try.  If it works, whoo hooo.  If not, I tried.  I recently had a similar situation occur with a leaky tub.  For some reason then I trusted myself enough just to try what the Youtube video showed me on how to fix it.  Frazzledom is not about logic.

Frazzledom leads to anxiety, which leads to bad sleep, which leads to bad health.  These are things that everyone needs to realize.  HIV+ peeps really have to take this into mind.  When I'm sleeping well, I do dramatically better than when my zzz's are scattered to the wind.  I think that Lunesta moth/butterfly thing is stealing my zzz's & giving them to other people.  Creepy moth...

Focus is the goal.  To be centered & drive out the crappy thoughts that send us into a downward spiral.  We can do this, either on our own or with help, but it can be done.  If you're +, you'd better figure out how to get your sleep under control quickly.  It is the biggest part of your recovery and staying healthy, physically and emotionally.  If not you could end up like...

Frazzled...

I'm up damn early this morning, the Sun is no where in sight.  My nerves have annihilated my zzz's.  The van is throwing fits again & I have no idea what's wrong with it or how much it's going to cost.  I woke & started thinking about that & all the other $ I was going to need for upcoming expenses in the year & the jitters kicked into action.

I hate this, because if I don't get a handle on it quickly I could go into full out panic mode.  Frankly, my health and sanity can do without that.  But there's a new mower, dental expenses, car tags, car insurance & who knows what else lurking around the corner.

Everybody goes through this kind of thing.  Sometimes I just feel like I'm constantly living on the camel's back that is about to break from all these $ straws.  I try not to let it get in my head but I'm not so good at that.  I'm a Virgo & we Virgos like to have a plan of attack prepared for every situation.  If we don't, we get edgy & I'd measure that edginess with a richter magnitude scale.

So I'm up early waiting to see if I can get the car in to the mechanic or if they'll be open Monday.  It'll be MLK day. Now all I can do is wait & see.  As I said before, I hate waiting.  Hope your day goes better, cause...

I Hate Waiting...

I hate waiting.  There are things in life you just can't rush; Christmas, Summer Time or how long it takes you to forget a bad first date.  Then there are instances like;  disappearing wait-staff, professors who refuse to grade  papers or some jerk too busy talking on his cell-phone to realize he's just made a line of traffic miss the light.  Those are the moments I hate.

Waiting just makes me feel like I'm slipping backwards and in my experience going backwards is rarely, if ever, a good thing.  I'll try not to talk to much about my past here, little good could come from it.  But my "mother" was an avid believer in the bottle and baby-sitters.  I'm amazed someone didn't turn her into child services much earlier than they did.  I knew when I heard the beginning of her spiel of lies that I'd be stuck somewhere for far to long waiting for the lush to come back and get me.  When was about eight or nine one sitter had this little bridge in her front yard crossing a ditch by the roadside.  I'd sit there, legs dangling off that bridge, listening to cars approach.  I got really good at discerning different types of cars.  I really hated it when another car the same make as my moms would drive near.  As much as I despised her, she was at least the hell I knew.  I knew I'd be stuck waiting at this stranger's house for hours, sometimes days.  To her, I was just a speck of an image that faded out of sight in her rear-view mirror.

Overall my life is better now than it was in the past.  Living in the now is a trick, perhaps even an art. I used to practice the what-if magic like a pro, still do sometimes.  What if I'd had different parents, made better choices or a host of other possibilities.  All that did was depress me and led me to the conclusion that there was very little in my life that I  could've changed that would've drastically improved anything.  That realization sucked!

I believe we are responsible for our actions.  I also believe that we are players on the proverbial stage and that stage was at least initially set by other people.  Our parents for better or worse chart the course of our early lives, often in ways we never even realized until later.  You have to make the best you can of what they decided to do and sometimes that leaves us with little to no good options.

Wishful thinking will only bring you down.  Even if it's not a great present, better to be here than in the past.  The past is irrevocably set, you can't change it, and it got you to where you are now.  At least in the now, you might have some shot of bettering yourself.  If you aren't happy where you are at, then stop and figure out what got you there.  Did your parents set you on this course, did some friend do you wrong or are you the villain in your own story?

Regardless, sometimes letting go & moving on is the best, hardest thing to do. First rule, you can never really change anyone else.  You don't have the right to change them.  If something needs changing, look at yourself and see what you can alter about yourself or your situation.  If there are things or people in your life life that need to go, then send them packing.  Sometimes it really is them and not you to blame for them being difficult.

Remember, in life, your forgiveness is privilege not a their right or your responsibility.  Demand honesty.  It's always better just to have the other shoe drop and just get it over with, instead of waiting in dread.  Never expect anything from people, even if they tell you to, that way if they do what they said you can be pleasantly surprised.  I know that isn't nice, but sometimes people just suck.  Keep in mind you are people too and sometimes you just suck as well.

So don't keep people waiting.  Do be honest. Remember your playing on someone else's stage as well as your own.  Try not to suck too badly.

HIV+ 01032001: What's This, What's That

HIV+ 01032001: What's This, What's That: "When you're +, there's a continuum between paranoia and lackadaisical concern about your health. OMG, there's a rash, I have a fever or..."

What's This, What's That

When you're +, there's a continuum between paranoia and lackadaisical concern about your health. OMG, there's a rash, I have a fever or what's the suspicious purple spot?  Then it turns out to be a patch of dry skin, a cold & a bruise you got when the car door whacked your leg.  It could've been worse, much worse, an HIV related rash, the beginning pneumonia or the Big C.   Do you turn ever vigilante (paranoid) or do you just go all Doris Day and and say que sera, sera.

Now for the Yoda moment, "Balance, one must have."

You can't simply ignore your concerns, but you can't focus on them either.  You have to be a bit disciplined about this matter.  Something I'm not particularly good at.  If you notice something different or new, make a note of it.  If it's persists, checks it out with your friends or online info sources like Webmd.  If it persists further, causes you discomfort or the info you find is disturbing call you doctor.

The bad thing about HIV is after a while, a far too short of a time, you will probably know more about HIV, your personal condition & meds than your primary care physician.  Scary, but true.  Your primary doc is probably a generalist of some type.  He/she won't specialize in HIV or list of other ailments like, pulmonary, diabetes or rheumatoid arthritis for that matter.  That doesn't mean that your physician is bad, it just means you need a specialists.  Even then you're going to be more aware of your own situation than anyone else so speak up and don't let them ignore you.

Next week I'll have regular labs drawn again; CD4, CBC, CMP & a HIV-VL Ultrasenstive Quantitative.  Then I will hope that they get the labs drawn right and I don't have to get stuck again.  I hate needles.

If all goes well in about a week I'll have my labs back and look at the results.  Then I'll go see my porta-doc wherever they park the bus this month.  Hopefully, the doc will say your labs look good and send me on my way until the next appointment in the telemedicine bus.

I know it's a bit weird seeing your physician over a monitor in a bus, but it beats driving 120 miles for 30 minute appointment, then having to do the trip back home.  With the bus it maybe takes 45 minutes from start to scratch.  Doing the drive and seeing the doc, takes 4 - 6 hours depending on the traffic.  So I am very thankful for the telemedicine bus.

While it's easy to drive yourself nuts with health paranoia, you have to learn to relax about the matter.  You do what you can and what you can't, you can't.  It sucks and it may sound cavalier, but's it's what I can do.  I can take my med, watch my health (probably better than I do), have my labs drawn & see my doctor.  Those are the things I can do.  What can you do?

Sympathy & Cringing

We all experience the cringe moments.  Personal cringes are bad enough, but those of others can be downright painful.  Their common TV fodder, some people enjoy watching these moments of shame and anguish.  Some of us have developed over-active senses of sympathy and can't bear to watch what we know is about to happen.

Lucy and Charlie Brown are perfect examples.  We know at some point Lucy is going to get him to kick that football.  Just like when we see people on television or even in real life traipse ever closer to the precipice of a cringe-worthy act.   You want to warn them, but you know they won't/can't listen.  The best you can do is hide your face, like a kid hiding from the monsters under a blanket. Then it happens...

Lucy pulls the football away, for the 1,000th time.  Part of you wants to say shame on you Lucy for taking advantage of that ludicrously stupid Charlie Brown yet again,.  I mean, doesn't it get old?  Guess not, the gag keeps running.  But in the end, it's Charlie Brown who's responsible.  He should know better by now.  Still, he keeps kicking at that football on his quixotic quest and we keep on cringing.

After all is said & done, were left where we've been so many times before, cringing, sympathetic & annoyed.  There is only so many times we can see this before it is intolerable.  We have to accept the fact that some people in this word are just masochists and others like to take advantage of the situation.

These moments of cringe-worthiness are hard to handle on television, but are far more intolerable in real life.  Like a friend that waits to study for the test until the last minute & wonders why he failed.  The parent who never disciplined their child or told it "no", and now has a rampaging brat of a teenager.  But even worse is what happened in and is now still happening post the shooting in Arizona.

The shooting was tragic, beyond the cringe, but demanding sympathy.  The fallout is what will be the cringe-worthy event to start 2011 off with the proverbial sword rattling.  Already people are blaming this or that party, that thought on guns, the congresswoman's politics or a dozen other things.  What matters here is that people were hurt and now instead of showing sympathy and compassion, some people want to throw salt on the wounds, like the politicos & Fred Phelps.

Sometimes cringes turn to tragedies.  Sometimes there is no learning curve to avoid to disaster. So people really are just vultures waiting for others pain.  Now I can get a kick out of schadenfreude with the best of them.  But actions like Fred Phelp's plan to protest these peoples' funeral was just sadistic and evil.

The best thing about this situation with Mr. Phelps, is even though he has the right to spew his hate, we have the right not to listen and just walk away.   We can focus instead on compassion & kindness.

The Blame Game or How Did That Happen

Television is filled with people who are delusional, in denial or just plain stupid.  America Idol and So You Think You Can Dance show us people who swear it's their life long dream to be a dancer or a pop star.  They don't understand why the judges didn't see their brilliance.  Good grief, they had practiced for a whole three days. Mind you, that was probably longer than they had committed to anything besides sitting on the couch, vid-gaming or texting.   America's Next Top Model is consistently filled vicious victims.  These girls focus on how it's not right that the other girl stole top sport from her that week.  HGTV's  House Hunters has numerous instances of suddenly appearing babies.  It always go like this, "Our old place was fine before that baby showed up, don't know  where that came from."   Rant Part One over.

Rant Part Two begin.  There are three things to take from these shows.  If you really really want something, then you are going to have to really, really work for it.  Clue #1 - That means longer than three days.  I hate to see those sloppy idiots on the dance stage acting like they have some level of talent or dedication.  It's a total insult to those people who have spent their lives pursuing that art.

The Models waste their time fighting, conniving & griping.  Watch a couple of seasons and you'll figure out a few things.  On Top Model and many other talent based shows, although there are other contestants, you really aren't competing against them.  You are competing against yourself.  On shows like this, it isn't the judges or the other contestants that send you home, it's yourself.  These models send themselves home by focusing on their own flaws or never realizing they have any flaws. On Top Model your flaw will either make you or break you, depending on YOUR attitude.

That mysteriously appearing baby on House Hunters is always a laugh.  The couple standing there looking at the infant like I don't know where that came from, do you?  Some things in this life are out of your control, but you'd be stunned how many aren't.  As Adults, most of us, have reasonable control over our lives.  Like when to and when not to have a baby.  They wander why their failed credit is keeping them from getting their dream home.  What do you mean, we need a down payment?  Closing costs, property taxes, home inspections.  Those are our responsibility?  The Hell you say.

End Rant.

Bringing this back to me now.  I've heard many people say that ultimately you are responsible for your own safety, but rarely sinks in on people.  The person who commits vehicular manslaughter while drunk, may not have made the decision to kill someone, but he did make the decision to drink.  The person who gets victimized in a dark alley or frat party, did not ask to be attacked (and shouldn't have been attacked), but they did choose to put themselves in a precarious situation. You can't  get angry that you got bit by a shark when you dove into waters infested with great whites.  Smokey's line about forest fires can be paraphrased,  only you can keep yourself safe.  You can't depend on anyone else for that.

I used to teach at a university.  I had a lot of papers to grade and tests to score.   It never failed that some student would come up and say, " I can't believe you gave me that grade."  I'd always tell them that I didn't give them anything, they did.  I was not the one who took the test, I was not the one who wrote the paper nor was I the one who failed to take either assignment seriously.  They gave themselves their own bad grade.  Just like we give ourselves most of the bad things in our lives; bad credit, expanding waistlines, miserable relationships, etc...

This gets back to HIV now.  I thought I was mostly playing safe.  I should've known there was no such thing as safe sex, safer yes, but still not safe.  Many of us think we can spot who will have HIV, like there's going to be this big, blinking pink neon + over their heads.  Some are like, so what if I get it, there are meds these days.  Believe me those meds may keep you going but the physical, emotional & financial costs is enormous.   In the end, it's simple, I gave myself HIV.  There may have been others along for the ride, but I'm the one that did the act.  It sucks to have to take responsibility for that, but its better than being bitter and blaming everyone and everything else.

Remember if you're going dream, dream big, but big dreams take big work.  Take care yourself, you're the only one who can or will.  I know sometimes its hard, but we really have to learn to like ourselves, even if we screw up or get scared.

First Snow

It snowed for the first time this season.  Driving on snow and ice tells you a lot about how people view life.  Some people are so afraid of the white stuff they absolutely refuse to even go out the door.  Other's race through it like maniacs speeding to their deaths.  While some of us calmly get in our cars and cautiously proceed wherever we need to go.  Icy roads like many things in life demand respect.  If you're halfway smart and respectful of your situation you can get through it.  If not you should just stay home.

It's January, so according to Lucy it's perfect snow flake catching time.  She was always my favorite Peanuts character.  Followed closely by Linus, but he needed props, so it goes to his sister.  The Van Pelt family was my fav family of the comic.  Rerun had his soliloquies of near death on his mother's bike and his deftness with handling Lucy.  Linus had his orations, philosophies & unshakable beliefs.  But Lucy, she was just Lucy; an angry, manipulative, romantic, cunning ball of fury.   She was smart but fallible.  She was the obstacle that Charlie Brown had to overcome.  Lucy Van Pelt was the Peanut's version of Coyote.   Snoopy was her nemesis like Coyote's Duck.

I know the easy character to like is Snoopy, he is funny, but he's easy.  You're supposed to like the beagle, he's Charlie Brown's funny man.  I never really care for the accepted center of any ensemble cast as much as I do for some of it's side members.  I prefer Lucy to Charlie, Niles to Fraiser, Chloe to Clark Kent, etc...

How did I go from driving on snow to second tier characters from comics and television?  Easy, how you drive in the snow, who you like in a show, what you eat first on a plate, these may all be little things but they speak volumes about you and what type of person you are at heart.  Keep that in mind, you never know what your giving away to someone actually pays attention to these things.

Top Me Off...

Every morning begins with me trying to get out of bed and get started again.  Besides the trip to the bathroom, brushing the teeth & dealing with the cats, there are other things.  I never really thought about these until I was + or older, take your pick.  Hydration is amazing.  Re-wetting drops in my eyes, 20 oz of H2O, some moisturizer for the face & hands, then I start to feel alive.  The water washes away the crap that accumulated up over night.

But taking away isn't all of the equation, you have to put stuff back.  I stack up my meds, get a cup of tea & begin the day.  I can't eat for an hour after meds so food has to wait.  My meds wash out nutrients so I take some supplements;  B complex, a multi-vitamin and others.  I use cinnamon to help with aches and apple cider vinegar to deal acidity.

Then I let my fingers wander the keys and guide me over the web.  I check my email, play sudoku & read the news.  Slowly my brain comes back online.  Then  I start thinking about breakfast and the rest of the day.  The game-plan for the next 16+ hours on my output and input.

During the day we meet a series of drains; work, people, health issues, etc...  We have to take the opportunity to give back to ourselves: eating, socializing, fun & the like. It's way too easy to let yourself become overtaxed and left with too little for yourself.  You can not let that happen.  Everyday you have to replenish your own supplies; food, rest, meds, friends, fun, spiritual pursuits, art or whatever you need.  You can't wait on someone else to do this for you, it's your life and you are important.  If someone else can't get that, then they need to hit the road or have their attitudes seriously adjusted.

Whatever your needs, whatever gets you through the day, you have to take responsibility for making sure you aren't running on empty. Take care of yourself and top yourself off in the mornings.

It's The Little Things

In anyone's life it's more the minutia than the gigantic that gets to us.  It's also the things that let our lives go by normally.  It's not the fact the mockingbirds are chirping loud this morning, it's the fact that those hell-birds freaking bleep their evil hearts out every morning.  The humungousaurs that happen in to our lives cause so much shock that by the time the damage and chaos subside, we've pretty much come to terms with the event while we were distracted.  But the little things have no buffer zone on them; like toilet seats left up, tooth paste containers squeezed incorrectly, cabinets that hit you in the shoulder or any other zillions little annoyances in our day to day lives.

These are our lives, the little things, the proverbial grains of sand through the hourglass.  Doesn't mean we're going to like them.  In physics there are four basic forces or interactions: electromagnetic, gravitation, strong & wait for it, weak (ie. little). But not all little things are evil irritations, think of Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music.

In fact, it's the little things that make or lives bearable; the smile from a friend, a door being held open at the store or just a please & thank you.  The little things are hard to appreciate or predict until they aren't there.  These little things add up quick, whether they be good or bad.  Too many jerks on the commute home after a long days work or the fact the cashier at your favorite coffee shop remembered your name, either will alter the way you perceive the day, even if they don't change the outcome at all.

Like I said, the little things can be unpredictable.  Buy your cat a toy and they'll want the box it came in.  Plan out this amazing night with your best girl/beau and it's not the dinner or the show, but the fact that they gave you that certain look that just let you know they were the one.  Parent's plan out these overwhelming Christmases with great dinners, decorations & gifts. In the long run it's the time they shared, the activities or the people their kids remember, not the uber Barbie super duper play house, the newest video game or whatever else is on the must have list that year.

Today, if I'm lucky one of  my little things will be to watch America's Test Kitchen with my friend.  I'll try not to yell so much at the cats laying my way or the frig door that keeps closing when i need it open.  Yeah, good luck with that one.  But I will try to remember that it's the little things that make life worth living.

Lost at Walmart

Today was shopping day, as usual the vortex known as Walmart sucks the life, $ & time right out of me.  I left by 9:00 to go there to get a few things, some how I lost over an hour in that pit.  Poseidon should've cursed Ulysses to traverse a Walmart instead of some measly pleasure cruise around the Mediterranean.  The people he met on his journey would've paled in comparison to the weirdness of the people of walmart. 

I should count myself  fortunate to have a grocery store in my town, but I find it difficult to be thankful for Wally World.  That's like asking me to call McDonald's, gourmet dining.  But after an hour of meandering the store looking for items they've either moved or discontinued, trying not to deal with people blocking the aisles because Walmart is the nexus of their social life & trying to escape the screeching madness known as other people's children (Can't they muzzle those things?) you find the escape route.  Then you go home and find that you inevitably forgot something.  Do you go back to that hell or just wait until the next time?  I usually opt to wait.

Shopping shouldn't be hell, nor should it be the center of your social universe, but that's exactly what it can be at the Walmart.  Walmart is the Twilight Zone in the real world.  You can't adjust squat and you have to deal with whatever annoying weirdness and stupidity is hurled your way.  You have to decide which is worse, the howler monkeys that shop there or the baboons that run the place. If you have to go there, my hopes and prayers go with you.  You should probably wrap yourself in plastic, those monkeys like to fling crap.  Happy hunting.

Control...Now That's A Laugh...

Most people try to manipulate their environment, to make it as optimum as possible.  The more out of control or unsettling the situation the more we try to get a hold on it, a strangle hold.  That usually flies like a sack of bricks. Life just doesn't work that way.  

This last week, the first week January mind you (in the Northern Hemisphere where it is supposed to be winter), has had two days in the 70's F where it should at most be the upper 40's F.  This may sound great for the heating bill, but also sounds great to the grass, fleas & allergies.  For every give there is a take.

My household came into some $ last month, (roomie's Xmas cash). I thought, great she can get her glasses replaced.  There was a little left over & we decided just to let it ride in the household kitty.  That lasted all of three days before the car decided it needed new tie-rods. Bye, bye $, nice knowing you. I know I'm rambling, but to paraphrase Bear Grylls, "There is a point..."

A hard lesson for a Virgo set in his ways, life isn't about control, it's about learning to roll with the punches.  Developing tactics to deal with all of life's BS & there will be BS, lots of it, every kind possible; familial, economic, weather, you name it, BS. It's about coming to understand that you may be able to cause some subtle effect on your environment by adjusting the thermostat, having an emergency fund or just someone to commiserate with, but you are not in control.  Get used to it.

So make your survival plans, have your emergency kits, keep in touch with friends,  you're going to need them.  I'm not sure who to quote Bette Davis about a bumpy ride or just to go with ELO and say hold on tight to your dreams.  Either way I hope this ride called life has more up's than down's for you & me.