Off On Out Of Focus Tangents...

I don't always talk about being +, but I'll try to get back to it, at least a little while before I veer off into something else again.  There are many things I hate about being + & the one I'll try to zoom in on today is my lack of focus. I used to love to read & watch movies.  These are things that are difficult for me now, especially the reading.  It was nothing for me to read a couple of novels a week on top of all the stuff I had to cover for my classes while I was in college.  That is no longer the case.  I haven't read a novel in years.  I HATE THAT.  I can barely hold it together long enough to get through the ten to twenty pages of Naruto that gets released weekly.

I just can't focus.  I start reading & think I'm doing well.   I look down & I've read twenty some odd pages.  Then it hits me, I can't remember half of what I read because my mind was focused on how much my arm was cramping in that position or wondering what that sound was that I just heard.  I made all the way through college to a Ph.D. without ever really seriously studying for anything.  I could read it in a flash & have it in my memory long enough to take any test.  Those days are long gone.

If my mind wandering off isn't bad enough, my body wants to as well.  Sometimes, even when I feel like crap, I can barely sit still.  I get anxious, my legs cramp or I just find myself walking off for no reason to another room.  It makes watching a movie almost impossible.  Movies I do get through are on a little portable DVD player next to my computer.  That way I can "watch" the movie & continue typing or playing a game.  I watch some TV episodes on my computer & most of the time I use the fast forward to zip through because the show bored me.  If I go to the theater, I have to fight the urge just to give into the darkness & comfy reclining chair & not fall asleep.

These days my mind is about as clear as some fuzzy impressionistic painting.  I know there's a couple of boats on some water & it's either dawn or dusk, but nothing else.  Since I've been + I've been twitchy, fuzzy & jumpy.  My mind wanders down some precarious little path of a thousand plus twists & turns.  I get bored.   I get frustrated.  I just get completely disinterested.  My body wants to keep moving even though I usually don't have the stamina to keep going all that long.

Of all the things I've lost due to HIV, I think the one that pisses me off the most or at least always hits high on the top ten is the fact it robbed me.   I don't like the physical changes in appearance but I can deal with them.  But this little virus robbed me of my drive to read, to learn, to explore.  It took away my ability to just sit & listen to a cd or watch a movie in its entirety without getting up or fast-forwarding.

I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it, but I keep plodding along.  Maybe I'll come across a book that will hold my attention enough to read it through.  Sometimes I do still find a movie that I can watch, like Red or Despicable Me.  I guess I'll just have to wait & see.